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Despite the sullenness that has been occupying my heart for the past couple of weeks, God found a way to wake me up from this depression.
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My year started with yet another sulky mood. Even if i try to convince myself to choose happiness, emptiness found its way to me. That was when i started yet again doubting the path I am now taking. I started asking myself, "Is this what you want to do with your life?" Then i began to wonder how my life would have been if I had not been a Medical Technologist.
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Taking up Medical Technology was not really my first choice. It was not even my idea. My parents somehow convinced me that it is the right course for me to take up in college because it is a good preparation for me if ever i decide to take up Medicine afterwards. "You want to become a doctor," I would often tell myself — reciting it to myself over and over as if it was some kind of prayer.
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I found it hard to accept my new found life in college. It was really hard to say goodbye to the people i grew up with. But then again, God blessed me with friends who gave me so many wonderful memories when I was still in college. I graduated still with a lot of doubts about the life i was trying to build. A Medical Technologist? Do i really want to be a Medical Technologist?
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After graduation, I decided to review for the board exam. "Let’s get this over with," I would often tell myself. "If you want to do other things, if you want a change of career, then do this one last thing. Pass the board exam and get it over with. If you do this, you can do whatever you want afterwards." I felt as if my dream as a programmer was being given a second chance. I wanted to be a programmer. Yes. That was and still is my dream.
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I applied at a call center in Makati a day after the board exam. I was so psyched up with what seemed — at that moment — the dawning of a drastic shift of career path. "You can be a call center agent," I told myself. "You can even study again and be a computer programmer. After all, working at a call center can give you a promising financial stability." But it was not that easy. It was not my line — not my expertise. I know nothing of sustaining a conversation much more selling a product to a complete stranger. It was not me.
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Passing their examination is not really the same thing as meeting up to their requirements. We are going to call you. Even upon hearing that statement, i didn’t feel any doubts whatsoever. "They are going to call you. They are going to call you," I said. Days passed and still no call. "Just give it time." But who was I kidding? That was when I prayed to God. "At least give me one (either a job or a license)… at least give me one, please."
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To make the story short, a month passed and i got no call but then I found myself in a beautiful black dress paired with stiletto heels posing with my friends — collegues even — at the Manila Hotel. God gave me a license instead.
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After the board exam, I felt liable to put into good use my God-given license. I went to a hospital at Alabang to apply as an extern. Ten minutes after walking into their laboratory, I walked out of the room with a schedule. I was accepted for training.
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Staying for two months in the hospital has been quite the experience. I had no one to talk to. I spent my lunch break in solitude. I had no friends. It felt as if I didn’t belong there. I missed my co-interns. How i wish i could just go back to being an intern.
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It was January 4, 2007, a thursday. I was planning another attempt to becoming a call center agent when I was awaken from my usual afternoon stupor by the supervisor of the department. Avoiding specifics, let’s just say she offered me an opportunity to work at a hospital. "Gusto mo ba dun," she asked. Though doubtful, i said with a smile on my face, "Opo." I skipped my hospital duties the next day and took care of my credentials. "Nakakahiya naman, magpasa ka na rin. Ikaw na nga tong binibigyan ng trabaho, ikaw pa ang aayaw," I argued with myself. "Gumala ka na lang after. It would be a nice day out. Magpasa ka lang ng requirements tapos punta ka ng Roxas," I said trying to calm my nerves. For the second time, I heard the statement "Tatawagan ka na lang namin." (We will just call you) "As if you would," i said to myself. I spent the rest of the afternoon taking pictures at Roxas Blvd.
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"They are not going to call you. Don’t get your hopes up," I exclaimed. I went on with my life as a trainee — never hoping to get considered for the position. It was a thursday night when my heart skipped a beat. A number that my phone does not recognize sent a message asking for me to go back to the hospital for a medical exam. It was not technically a call back but yes I was considered for the position. Even after the ‘call back’, I still didn’t get my hopes up. "Don’t get too excited," I said. It was just last monday when the results of my medical exam were released. It was okay and I was given further instructions about my training there and my soon employment.
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I still don’t know exactly if this is really what God wants for me. But I feel somehow God has pointed me towards this direction. If He has bigger plans for me, I still don’t know and maybe I will never know. As for my plans for myself, they are not entirely gone. I think the want and the passion to pursue computer programming will always be with me. But right now, I realized that my life is not really about what I want for myself. It is more of what God planned for me. After all, I am still but dust upon which God breathe life on. I am still but clay God’s hands has molded — and is continuing to mold. And if, at times, I find myself lost and desolate, my strength is renewed in Christ. God’s guiding hand has and will always be there to shape me into the person He pictured me to be. The question I ask myself now is not "Is this what you want to be?" The question I ask now is "God, is this what you want me to be?" because amidst the confusion, I will always find clarity in the words "Thy will be done."
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