About A Girl

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for days now, i feel so lost. exactly what i need… another loop hole! disaster.

i cry myself to sleep at nights and a nagging voice just kept feeding me lies! it simply won’t shut up!

so what exactly is my problem?

i don’t know where i am.

i don’t know where i am going.

i don’t know what i want.

i don’t know if it is okay for me to want something for myself.

i don’t know if i still want to continue my endless pursuit to my dreams.

last night, i thought i was okay already. i cried my heart out to God and told Him that i’m lost.

He made me feel better. How? Two things. first, He gave me peace. something i don’t know how got to me but still did. it was just there. peace. and two, He gave me friends. friends who had no idea whatsoever that i felt better because of them. even if i thank them, they (well, she..) still don’t get it.

this morning. i woke up early. i guess i got used to waking up early because of work. but it was saturday — something which i found to be a surprise as i thought it was a friday today and that i am late for work.

i was okay. but i don’t have that much energy. why is that?

i didn’t want to be anywhere but my room. i (did but don’t anymore) wanted to go to a training seminar at church BUT i’m still under construction so i decided not to go.

i want to go. then, i didnt. and then, i want to go. and then, i didn’t want to go again. and then, i wanted to go again. but then again, i didn’t! yey! i am a woman! go figure.

i felt horrible because i was supposed to do this for God. since i’m not okay, i decided not to go. then, in an instant, i didn’t know where i was again.

and so i went to bed hugging my pillow as tight as i can. hurting once again.

it’s funny how God talked to me this morning. it was through a Spice Girls song. yes! yes! and yes! you read that right… A SPICE GIRLS SONG!

as i was hugging my pillow, trying to cover my face, God said:

"Don’t you know it’s going too fast
Racing so hard you know it won’t
last
Don’t you know, why can’t you see
SLOW IT DOWN, READ THE SIGN SO YOU KNOW JUST WHERE YOU’RE GOING!"

and then He said:

"Do Do Do Do Do (x3) - ALWAYS BE TOGETHER…"

i know it’s sound downright insane but i would never have noticed that that song was playing if God didn’t want me to hear it.

i was wrong.

i knew exactly where i was.

i knew exactly where i am going.

i knew exactly where i wanted to go.

i knew it is okay for me to want something for myself.

i knew i still want to continue my endless pursuit to my dreams.

BUT, the thing is, I WAS SCARED. SCARED TO DEATH must i say.

i wanted to continue the seemingly endless pursuit to my dreams. dreams, i would like to believe this to be true, are God’s seeds in us. we have that something in mind — more like a picture of our self — that we would want to be. now is it okay for me to want something for myself? i believe so. you see, it is not enough for us to trust God alone. now don’t get me wrong, it is very important to trust God. and this is the first thing that we have to remember. BUT (yes there is a but…) BUT! we should also do our part. we want to change? we should do our part to change. God’s grace will help us but unless we choose to change, nothing will happen. you see, God doesn’t push Himself to us. He doesn’t come banging on our doors. He knocks. He knocks patiently to the doors of our hearts — waiting patiently for us to open up to Him.

God also led me to a word. STEWARDSHIP. what is it anyway?
Stewardship is a sense of personal responsibility for taking care of something that is not one’s own.

well, i don’t own my life. it is God’s gift to me.

i have to take care of everything that is being given to me. i am in charge of mastering ways to prosper, to be better, to be like Christ so that when my Master comes back, i would have something to offer Him. true enough, what i would make out of myself is the only thing that i can offer God. i can only offer Him everything that i am and everything that i will be.

i knew where i want to be. there. to that place. to that last stop. that destination. to my refuge. to my Home.

do i know where i am going? yes. i have been taking little steps to my dreams. yes… little steps. baby steps. whatever you want to call it. i knew where i am going but all the pressure kept building up. why? because i am impatient. i am growing impatient because i want results NOW. what i must understand is that everything that is great and of significance takes time, effort, sacrifice and hardships to build. why? because this is what would build the character to keep standing amidst any weather.

a man needs a strong foundation — one rooted deep in God.

do i know where i am? yes. i perfectly know it is still a long way to go and i got scared. scared that i would humiliate myself. scared that i would not be able to go the distance. scared that i might not make anything out of myself. scared that i might fail. what i forgot is that I have God and through Him I can do anything! ANYTHING!

negativity begets negativity. (deadly)

you can only say, "i’m a failure. (period)" once you give up on standing once again.

and so, i’m going to stand up once again through God’s grace and love. because of Him, i am strong. i am capable. i am loved. i am blessed.
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I AM TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED!

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pauwi. sumakay ako ng ordinary na bus papuntang alabang. (hindi masaya ang trip sa aircon na bus, walang suspense at action! puro traffic lang!). aba! mukhang uulan na naman. bakit kaninang umaga e maayos naman ang kalangitan? nakakainis talaga yung panahon ngayon… parang utak ng babae — pabago-bago!

habang nasa taft, nagbasa muna ako nung librong dala ko. ilang beses ko na palang nabasa yung chapter na yun hindi ko lang namamalayan.

mejo mabilis na ang andar nung bus nung nasa skyway na kami. para akong hine-hele kaya naisipan kong bumigay na sa antok na nararamdaman ko.

malapit na kami sa alabang nung napansin kong makulimlim. wala pa ni isang patak ng ulan kaya nagpasya na kong tumuloy na pauwi. aba! e hindi ko naman akalaing susumpungin ang langit! pambihira naman! nasa kalagitnaan kami ng south super traffic nung magsimulang kumulog at kumidlat. syempre nakakatakot! mano ba namang wala pa ko sa kalahati ng byahe ko pauwi e nagsimula nang umulan — ng MALAKAS! buti sana kung ambon lang! e hindi! umulan na parang wala nang bukas! na para bang nasa muntinlupa ang mata ng bagyong walang pangalan! ewan ko! basta ang lakas! teka may bagyo ba?

ang mas nakakatakot? aba! pambihira! baha na kamo sa highway! uulitin ko, baha na sa ilang bahagi ng highway! kamusta naman!

ang ilang pasahero hindi malaman kung saan bababa. e ako? san pa ko bababa? e di malamang sa tapat ng village namin! hindi ko na inisip na hindi pa baha dun. malamang baha na talaga dun!

dapat pa ba kong magpayong? naisip ko. pero oo, dapat ngang magpayong! mababasa yung gamit ko, may libro pa naman akong dala. at kamusta naman, hindi akin yon!

bumaba ako sa jeep ng walang pagaalinlangan. kawawang sapatos. dive! dive! at ayun nga ang eksaktong ginawa ng sapatos kong maganda.

nilibot ko yung mga mata ko sa paligid. parang may shooting! ang daming tao! naghihintay ng pagtila ng ulan. good luck sa inyo!

ayoko nang maghintay! tutal malapit lang ang bahay namin e nagpasya na kong maglakad sa ilalim ng malakas na ulan!

OH MY GOD!

hindi malaman ng sapatos ko kung saang direksyon maglalakad para umiwas sa mataas na tubig baha. pero walang nagawa ang walang kalaban-laban kong sapatos kundi ang magpakabayani at sumuong sa daloy ng mataas na tubig-baha. buti na lang kamo at walang basurang kasama ang tubig baha samin!

ang dami talagang taong stranded. tiba tiba na naman ang mga pedicab driver!

gusto ko sanang maligo sa ulan. kung wala lang sana talaga akong inaalalang libro at cellphone… sayang!

paliko na ako sa street na kinatatayuan ng bahay namin nung bigla na lang akong natigilan. kung kanina kinakaya pa ng sapatos ko ang baha. ngayon hindi na talaga. wala akong madaanan na hindi sya lulubog ng tuluyan sa baha. lintek! kawawang sapatos!

at dahil malaki naman ang pasasalamat ko sa sapatos na to dahil sa marami naming adventure simula nung nabili ko sya (tatlong buwan pa lang ata ang nakakalipas) napagdesisyunan kong hubarin ang sapatos ko at maglakad ng naka-paa (este nakamedyas pala) papunta sa bahay namin. ANG LAMIG!… sa paa! hehe!

ang sarap! parang talagang gusto ko nang maligo sa ulan!

pinagbigyan ko na yung sarili ko. hala sige! magpaulan ka jan! naisip kong maliligo naman din talaga ako. sayang naman yung ulan! (parang siraulo talaga!)

ang sarap siguro ng pakiramdam ng langit! nakakainggit! parang gusto ko na rin tuloy umiyak! pero mamaya na siguro. pag malamig na… pag madilim na…

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twenty one years of existence. what have i done with twenty one years? well, for three years i was cradled and potty-trained at home. i spent a year in nursery and another in kindergarten 1. i went to summer school to skip kindergarten 2. i spent six years in grade school, four in high school and another four in college.

as i was counting the years and recalling where i spent the bulk of my time, i was also thinking of how i would describe each year only to realize that i simply can’t. each year was filled with memories — some that i don’t remember, some that i do and some that i let others remember for me. each had its own collection of laughs and account of tears. each had its retelling of fears and moments of triumphs.

twenty one years. twenty one years! could there be twenty one years more?

for the past couple of weeks, a lot questions have been haunting me but there is this one question — the real pain-in-the-behind question — where will i be ten years from now? like the dreamer that i am, i envision myself a successful person — having a business, a comfortable house, a car to drive around with or (who knows) a family of my own. i mean, hello, who wouldn’t want that?

"where will i be ten years from now?" that’s not really the important question right now. the more important question is "what am i doing today?" am i doing the things necessary for me to get to where i want to be? or am i just sitting around waiting for things to happen? MY OPINION is this, there are things from God who is soooo gracious that even though undeserved, He still gives to me. and there are things that don’t just fall out rocketing down from high heaven — those that we should work for. i should wait on God. Yes… BUT! (i am just soooo blessed to have heard this last sunday because this is exactly what i needed to hear) WAITING ON GOD DOES NOT MEAN DOING NOTHING. IT MEANS COMING TO HIM IN PRAYER AND DOING YOUR PART. (quoting Pastor Joby Soriano).

could there be twenty one years more? i seriously do not know. but what
i do know is this. i have all the time that i can get NOW. God has
granted me the free will to choose what I’d do with it. now, i should decide what i’m going to do with each passing minute and ask myself, "am i doing my part?"
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"You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you… as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."

- Rainer Maria Rilke (from Letters to a Young Poet)

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pumunta ako ng madrigal kanina. syempre naman linggo ngayon. kahit marami pa ring gumugulo sa magulo ko nang utak e sige pa rin. hindi naman ako naghahanap ng sagot. hindi PA naman ako naghahanap ng sagot. pero kung pa’nong sinampal ako ng katotohanang malayo pa sa katurapan ang mga pangarap ko, nakakita ako ng sagot. nakasulat sa malaking screen sa main worship hall ng CCF. kinakanta ng mga tao. all caps at nakahighlight pa nung nakita ko! wait on God. wait on God. wait on God. (nakalimutan ko yung lyrics). what to do, where to go, what to say. basta wait on God. yun yun! at san ka pa? mas malinaw pa sa naglilinaw-linawan kong mata yung mensahe. oo na Lord, naririnig na kita. (taas ng puting panyo). suko na. suko na po.

naglalakad ako sa mall kanina. naisipan kong dumaan sa national bookstore. pero wala yung dermatograph na gusto ko. ibig bang sabihin non gumamit na lang ako ng crayola?

pumunta ako ng powerbooks. gusto ko kako ng libro. naglibot ako. may nakita. the great gatsby. pero mahal. nakakaintriga. pero mahal talaga. saka nalang. pag sweldo. pag malaki ang sweldo. may utang pa pala ko ke God. binaba ko yung libro. may katabi na ibang publisher pero parehong title. uy! 200 lang. mura. pasok sa budget. yun nga lang kelangan ko nang maglakad pauwi. nyaha! ibinaba ko. neks taym na lang. pag sweldo. pag malaki ang sweldo. naglakad pa ko. maraming classics. magbasa kaya ako ng classics. hindi kasi ako mahilig sa libro. dapat maging mahilig ako sa pagbabasa. pero mahal. saka na lang. pag sweldo. pag malaki ang sweldo. naglibot pa ko. inspirational na libro ang kelangan ko ngayon. uy joyce meyer. ang mahal! akalain mong apat na the great gatsby ang katumbas. wala akong pera. saka na lang. pag sweldo. pag malaki ang sweldo. uy paulo coelho. like the flowing river. parang gusto ko to. pero wala akong pera. saka na. pag sweldo. pag malaki ang sweldo. ayoko nang magbasa. nasasaktan lang yun puso kong butas ang bulsa.

lumabas ako. gusto ko ba ng frap? uy ang yaman! ~kunyari. wala naman nang pera. pero meron naman complimentary drink. gagamitin ko na ba? pero andaming tao. nakakalungkot. nakakalungkot yung itsura ng starbucks ngayon. hindi na katulad ng dati. kaya nga sinabing renovation di ba? hindi ko na halos makilala yung starbucks. kung dati rati at home ako dun, parang hindi na ko sigurado ngayon. hindi na "cozy" sa paningin ko. kamukha na ng central lib ng uste. pero dito may kape. may masarap na kape. may frap. may nakakaadik na frap. saka na lang ako babalik. pag gabi na at konti na lang ang tao. yun ang starbucks na kilala ko.

di ko na kayang mabuhay sa kahapon… naririnig ko na naman si Ebe. ayoko na ring mabuhay sa kahapon. teka. hindi na pala ako nabubuhay sa kahapon. hindi na sa depinisyon ko ng nabubuhay sa kahapon dati. ang problema ko lang. hindi na nga ako nabubuhay sa kahapon pero malayo na ang tingin ko. kailan ko ba kasi matututunang mabuhay ngayon? ayoko na. suko na ko Lord. turn Mo na ulit!
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hinahamon ata ako ng friendster ah. 1000 photos lang pala e, intay-intay lang. maghahagilap muna ng mga pictures na maganda! baka makabuo na ko ng nobela nito sa pics ah. uy magawa nga yon! stig!

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it was a month ago, i think, when a friend of mine offered me a business proposal. when asked if i wanted to earn extra, i thought, who wouldn’t want that?

yesterday, i finally got the chance to go to Makati and check it out myself. i went on what i would like to call a business proposal introductory seminar (hahaha!). i must admit that it was fun, helpful and informative but at the end of the day, i was literally heart-broken.

what do i want to be in the future? i guess many of us have been made to answer that question when we hit kindergarten. as a kid, who knows nothing what-so-ever about what i want and the real world, i (don’t actually remember saying it but my parents insists even today) said that i wanted to become a doctor. truth about me. i am a medical technologist, a licensed one. i am currently practicing my profession at a clinic located in Manila. the becoming a doctor just vanished into thin air. it’s still a long way to go and i don’t really see myself married to hospital work. it would be just too much for my achy breaking heart to take.

so what do i want to be in the future? now, as a girl who have recently been set out to the real world, i want to be an entrepreneur. i envision myself having a coffee shop where people can mingle and talk or spend their quiet time or if they want, soul search.

defining what an entrepreneur is, according to The Free Dictionary, it is a person who organizes, operates, and assumes the risk for a business venture (putting emphasis on "assumes the risk for a business venture." that’s not me. i hate risks. i hate changes. i want to conform to the box i was placed in.

i said that i would save up for this plan. i would work hard and save money and in time, i would get that chance to come up with my own business. i planned to enroll myself in a culinary school for a short course (when i get the money for it). and even planned to work as a barista (part-time) at Starbucks. all plans have been laid out. i thought i had everything under control. i was wrong. dead wrong.

yesterday at the seminar, the truth was just slapped hard on my face — back to back from one cheek to the other — as if telling me to wake up from all these fancy  pathetic illusions. i planned to work hard but yesterday i was awakened to the fact that working hard will never be enough. it was true. it was so true! i will never come up with enough money to start my own business (well, at least not the one i was targeting). it’s just so hard to save money and not be in want. i am not going to get to where i want to be UNLESS i CHANGE my plans.

change. "change na naman?!" i guess by this time i have to admit that all things on earth change. and that i have to get used to change. but it’s not easy to change! if change must occur, there must be a diversion from the old ways. i must embrace something new — something i know nothing of, something i’m not certain of the outcome. EXPERIMENT. VENTURE. RISK. 100% INTENTION.

a lot of questions found a hangout spot in my mind right now. where will i be ten years from now? what would i be doing by then? would i be half-way toward my dreams? or would i be half-way back to where i started? would i embrace the coming of change? or would i run like a scared kid back to my old ways? would i be successful? would i make something good out of myself? or would i end up a disgrace?

i remember i heard before, "if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." oh i told Him my plans alright! He must be laughing down from high heavens right now  if this business venture is the path for me to take towards the fulfillment of my dreams or not, i am not really certain. but do you know what i am so thankful for? God actually found a way to tell me, "kid, it’s not going to work that way." He moved His piece, it’s now my turn.

it starts with change and it should start now.
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Tuwing umuulan ay naaalala
Tayong dalawa

Kay sarap isipin na may kasama
Sa buhay pag bumaha

Sukob na, halika na
Sabay tayo sa payong ko
Hawak ka, kapit pa
Sa payong ko, magkasama tayo

(Sukob na, sukob na)

Hinding-hindi ka pababayaan
Na mag-isa sa ulan
Aalagaan (kita), magtatawanan
Wala na ‘tong hiwalayan

Sukob na, halika na

Sabay tayo sa payong ko
Hawak ka, kapit pa

Umula’t bumagyo (sa payong ko)
Magkasama tayo

Di ko na inakala pa
Na ika’y paririto
Ngunit salamat na lamang
At dumating ka sa buhay ko

Sukob na, halika na
Sabay tayo sa payong ko

Hawak ka, kapit pa
Umula’t bumagyo (sa payong ko)

Magkasama tayo

Sukob na, halika na
Sabay tayo sa payong ko

Yakap ka, kapit pa
Umula’t bumagyo (sukob na, halika na, tayo na)
Magkasama tayo
Sa payong ko magkasama tayong dalawa
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