About A Girl

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gusto kong magsuka ng dugo (chos!) ayokong pumasok bukas!!!!! hindi ko talaga keri to!!!!!!!! HETO NAAA…. HETO NAAAA….. HETO NAAAAAAAAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! naririnig ko na naman yung malaking bibig ni jay na kumakanta ng doo bi doo. huli tong nagpaikot ikot sa utak ko habang kumukuha ako ng board exam! as in literal! na parang gusto kong pindutin yung ilong ko at hopefully e yun ang stop button na magpapatigil sa pagkanta nya. parang nananakot pa ang walanghiya! eto na… eto naaaa… eto naaaaa waaaaaaaahhh!!!! ayoko naaaaa!!!!! ayokong pumasok bukas!!!! sana friday na!!!! o sabado na sana para pahinga na!!!

e bakit ba kasi ako nagkakaganito kamo? e kasi naman evaluation na namin sa clinic bukas!!!!! AS IN ONE-TIME BIG TIME NA ISANG BUWAN ATA IN THE MAKING!!!! pero bakit nga ba ako nagpapakatoxic… sabi nga nila… "TAO LANG YUNG MGA YON!" ang masasabi ko lang… "TAMA.. .TAO NGA LANG SILA…. PERO TAGA-CDC SILA NO!"

ayokong isiping mega big deal to pero oo big deal talaga.. hindi ko maipagkaila na big deal nga to. sana matapos na lahat to kasi ang dami nang napeperwisho e! muntik pa kong maging official camper! kulang nalang magdala ako ng banig at maglatag dun sa clinic para naman hindi na sayang sa pamasahe kasi ganun din e, nagmumukha na kong boarder dito sa bahay namin. buti na lang paminsan lang yon! at eto na malapit nang matapos…

haayyy! alam ko wla nang sense tong post na to… hahahha!

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eto pala… salamat dun sa lalaki sa LRT na nag-offer ng seat nya sakin. di ko alam na nageexist pa pala ang mga ganong male species. buti na lang! salamat sa kanya at maganda ang aking umaga! winkwink! hahahah!

kanina naman nung pauwi ako, sumakay ako ng BBL sa buendia. may nakatabi akong babae na may kasamang lalaki (anak nya ata yon)… nung binigyan na kami ng tiket nung kundoktor, tumapat pa samin at nagsabing "SENIOR PO! WALA PONG SENIOR DITO? SENIOR PO KAYO?" (manong nangaasar ka ba?!?!?!?! o nangbabastos?!?!?!?! hahahha!) sabi nung katabi kong babae… "ayyy senior na pala ang tingin sakin? mukha na ba akong senior?!?!"  xmpre hindi ko na tlaga napigil tumawa! hahaha! pero nung tumingin naman ako sa kanya, hindi naman xa mukhang senior! naisip ko tuloy… siguro madilim lang tlga!

eto pwde na siguro akong maligo! may gusto sana akong ipost dito… yun nga lang HATE POST yon. gusto ko mang magmura dito sa blog na to, parang wag na lang….  hindi ko na naman gawain yon… (minsan na lang hehehehe!) hindi ako magaaksaya ng panahon para isulat ang mga bagay na ikakasama lang ng loob ko pag naalala ko. besides makakakalimutin naman ako, hahayaan ko na lang na makalimutan ko yung mga nangyayaring hindi ko gusto. long post in the making pa rin yun. siguro isang araw, darating ang panahon na magiging bida sya sa isa sa mga kwento ko. pero hindi ngayon yung araw na yon. hahahahha! gusto ko mang daanin na lang sa tawa ang lahat, minsan nakakatulilig na din sya sa tenga! buti na lang naimbento ang mga earphones!
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malapit na ulit ang cinemalaya. pangatlong taon ko na to kung saka-sakali. sarap manood don. etong nine ball hindi ko pa rin napapanood. pero this year, sisiguraduhin ko nang mapapanood ko na yon. hahahaha! eto trailer…

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new breed/

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yesterday, i woke up half past ten. ANG SARAP MATULOG!!!! it has been two weeks now that i hadn’t had a decent sleep. i have been coming home late (around 10 or 11 at night) and i have been leaving home early (around 5am) for work. ang babaeng walang pahinga. JUST ONE WEEK MORE. just one week more. and i pray to God that everything will turn out alright.

i was supposed to go to work yesterday. may pasok kahit saturday in prep for monday. but then i thought if i would still go to manila, i would get there around 2pm so i didn’t bother going anymore. but i wanted to go out of the house.. so i decided to just hit the mall. i was at starbucks (that’s like the only place i go to when im at alabang) around 1pm. just read t&c. ate some waffle. at 3pm, i decided to watch PLONING. yeah, ploning. i didn’t hear about ploning until i saw it showing on SM tunasan’s cinema. and my initial reaction was: "JUDY ANN?!?!?! ANO YAN??? (i went on to read the title but can’t make a word out of it) ANO DAW?!?!?! CLONING!?!?!) and yeah, it was ploning. here’s a trailer i got from YOUTUBE.

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"ang mga gusto mo, ibinibigay na ng Diyos sayo, kasi handa na ang puso mo…"

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or something like that… completely right. it was completely the right statement. and then there’s that thought… that you don’t have to conform to the box other people are trying to squeeze you into for you to be loved, for you to be appreciated. with you in some distant world, with you not disclosing yourself to the world, you can still show your love to other people and still be loved in return. a love that’s true is that one that loves beyond time and distance… the one that loves despite being (this or that), despite the pain, despite the consequences … the one that loves sincerely and completely… the one that loves no matter what…

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haaayyyyy!! seeing it for the first time, i’m in tears!!! sobrang haaaayyyy!!!! david coookkkkkkk!!!! oh my God!!!! i knew it! from the very beginning! he was something else. he really is! sobra!!! waaaaahhhhhhh!!!! aaaahhhhhh!!!! (ok… screaming fan kung screaming fan!!!!) waaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

yesterday, i went home late so i had to watch his performances on youtube (thank God for youtube!!!!) and today, the results are out!!!!! teka ikkwento ko muna… last night i got home minutes before eleven. i wanted to check out david’s performances so i went online. downloaded some songs and talked to a friend. before i knew it, it was already one in the morning! goes to show that im more talkative online than in real person! masungit ako sa personal e! before i slept, i did my supposed morning routine of taking a bath and all that… xmpre inaanticipate ko nang hindi ako magigising on time! buti na lang mabait si Lord saken kasi naman nagising ako ng maaga. yun nga lang nabwisit ako kaninang umaga dahil dun sa impaktong manyak na nagtanong kung san ako pupunta! hello there?!?!?!?! mukha ba kong nawawala??!?!?!?! at hellooooo there!!!!!! ang aga aga pa no!!!! manong nambbwisit agad! intayin mo namang maghapon oh! naman e!

anyway! so na-lost ever na ang impaktong manyak na ito nung hindi ako sumagot sa kanyang katanungan! alangan namang sagutin ko yung tanong nya e di nasundan pa yon ng follow-up question and before i know it, interview na pala ito! o diba?!?!?!? scary kaya sya!!!!! utang na loob naman sa mga lalaki no…. please lang!!! wak naman kayong manakot ng ganyan!!!!

ayan… nasa bus na ko kunwari… hahahaha! nagtatatakbo pa ko sa UN para lang makahabol sa 6am na time-in ah! 2minutes naman na mas maaga ako ngayon. ;p tapos fast forward…. hapon na… xmpre DOTS day ngayon. kaya eto na naman nagaadik sa INH! nangangapal na naman ang fez ko! at namamanhid na naman ang mga binti binti ko! at idagdag mo pa sa usual side effects yung kakaibang feeling sa buong ulo ko! hindi lang fez ah! buong ulo!!! hindi ko madescribe! parang gusto kong umiyak!!! yun lang period no erase no liquid paper! tapos masakit pa yung mga joints joints ko! yung sa kamay lang naman…sabi nga nila baka carpal syndrome (???) lang daw to… ewan ko kung ano yon hahaahhaah! malay ko ba?!!? ayon so… OTix ako kanina… pano naman kasi yung bago logbook e di ko maintindihan… basta bukas ko nalang gagawin para sure na sakto na tlga sa tama. tapos ayan! 11pm na ko nakauwi!!! at online na naman ako para kay david cook!!! at nakita ko ang mga friendly friends ko! (teka? hyper??? uminom ka lang naman ng milo ah?! anong nangyari sayo?! kanikanina lang namamatay ka na jan sa sakit ng ulo ngayon hyper na?! galing naman ng milo!) haaay! iba tlga ang tama ni david cook! yun yon! HOT HOT HOT!!!!! BLAZIN MOLTEN HOT!!!! hahahah! eto na ang vid nya… maliligo na ko!

nytnyt dear void. i hope i’d get to go to harbor square this saturday! miss ko na din ang belgian waffle e!

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i feel so gloomy these days. or maybe just today.. na parang gusto kong bumalik sa dating "walang-pakialam sa-sasabihin-ng-iba" na jacy. then there’s that "the old self doesn’t die without a fight" statement. and yeah, it has definitely gained momentum to take charge again. i have been so difficult to deal with lately. i know i’m having a hard time dealing with myself too. i’ve been so sensitive to what others say or do and insensitive towards how they’d feel as i burst out in anger. yeah, the complete prick! i know i’m not supposed to be like this… i hate being like this but i just CAN’T stop myself from being such a jerk! sounds too tempting to say, "i don’t care about other people." but i do care about them.. i don’t want to hurt others but i do it anyway… and oh so effortlessly but not on purpose! doesn’t make much sense… oh heaven let your light shine down… hayyy God… ayoko na po ng ganito!!!! i need peace… i really need peace in my heart.

speaking of peace… i prayed dearly to God this morning that somehow in some miraculous way i won’t transform into a monster! masyado naman kasi akong erratic! di maintindihan kung galit ba o hindi! sa maniwala kayo o sa hindi, ganito lang yan kasimple, pag galit ako hindi ako nagsasalita as in walang words hahahha! at madalas pa nyan e umiiyak ako (di nga lang kita xmpre hahagulgol ba naman ako sa harap ng ibang tao?! ano ko sira?!) pero pag nagsasalita na ko at ok na ko, yun na yon. hindi ako nakakaalala ng sama ng loob, makakalimutin ako e! heheheh! which is a good thing i guess, ang sama kasi sa pakiramdam pag nagagalit ako sa iba. or vice-versa.

hayy.. siguro i really just need a break… not the typical saturday starbucks.. im talking harbor square saturday starbucks… just me… my cam… or my cellphone’s cam will do… town&country mag… or a book… or a pen and paper… that kind of saturday starbucks… the kind that makes you think of nothing… the kind that clears your head… the kind that gives you a whole new hope to hold on to… the kind that takes away all the stress of city life… and the kind you’ll surely miss once you get out of that place…. i really need a break!!! i do deserve a break…. sana may vacation leave na ko… i can’t wait!!! i can’t wait for four more months!!! haaayyy!! i need to sleep! baka cranky mode na naman ako bukas pag hindi ako natulog ng maayos… anyway… i’m just hoping… sana matapos na lahat to.. nasstress na tlga ko dahil dito sa evaluation na to!

eto na lang pampawala ng stress… david cook’s version of the world i know (by collective soul)

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it’s friday i’m in love! hahaha! hindi pa friday ngayon pero akinse na! grabe! hindi ko maisip kung panong naging one year na lang bigla! isang taon na kong nagttrabaho!!! thank God kasi nasa isang company pa rin ako.

i really feel blessed because not a lot of people get the chance to work for the company i’m working for right now. many will say i’m crazy spending my time working in a clinic but i beg to disagree. maybe because i see my life in a light different from others. i can’t even imagine myself working in a hospital. (pero medtech ako) soooo weird. it just feels weird for me that i am by fact a medical technologist. bakit ba kasi hindi na lang ako naging i.t??? haaay…. anyway, i’m not closing doors (because i don’t want to!!! hahaha!) to the possibility that someday i’d come across that drastic change in career. sana lang naman… if that would be the case, i’m pretty sure i’d get the utmost high from the toxic life most i.t professionals have. i bet i would be the high-strung perfectionist type. the kind that works long hours and do not have a social life… hmmm pretty much the kind of person i am today huh?

but im trying to change that. although i admit the fact that i’m rather reserved than vocal. i’m not outgoing and i’m not that much fun to hang out with. high-strung na loner pa! super kawawa naman ako nyan! hahaha! but i love "solo flight" moments. but some company wouldn’t hurt sometimes…

i’ve changed. better i think than i was before. i was the worst before! most probably because i had a lot of insecurities like most young people have. (trust me it will pass!) maybe the change came from the years i spent trying to come out of my shell. and more change is coming since i came to know Christ. i mean knowing that there is someone who loves me dearly really changed my life. i’m not saying i know a lot about God or religion or anything of that sort. i’m just saying that when it finally hit me that Jesus died for me because He simply loves me, it changed my life.. i’m not that crappy little immature person i once was. i mean i still am sometimes but i am changing bit by bit. i’m trying to find the better me now. not like before when i just see myself as this ugly person. i’m on my journey now… a little bump here and there but i know i’d get there (wherever home is).

it’s actually weird that i am talking about this right now (with clay pack all dried-up on my face!!!!) but i’m actually glad i did. and to those that i hurt along the way, God isn’t finished with me yet. i hope you’ll be patient with me as i go on this process of renewal and rebirth.

really have to wash my face!!!
super scared about our soon evaluation!!!!!
grateful about new-found friends
happy about discovered fancies and hobbies 
freaked out lately (hello, hormonal surges!)
excited about life and love itself
really really looking forward to a long night sleep (and hopefully a vacation!)
really really really really have to wash my face!!!!!!!
wrapping things up now ;p

jancarli

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p.s. i don’t miss you as much my dear void. surprisingly i have been blogging regularly now more than ever.

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sabi ko pa naman matutulog na ko! hahahah! thank God for youtube!!!!!
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my favorite carly smithson performance on idol 7
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more from david cook. i can’t get sick of this song! nakakainis nga lang kasi wala naman akong (pati si reb! heheheh!) makuhang full version nito. simple lang yung lyrics pero parang gusto kong maniwala kay david cook…. haaay!!! blazin molten HOT HOT HOT!!!!!

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eto lyrics….

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not that busy with work anymore.. just a thought: ayokong magka-ulcer! hahahah! wishful thinking siguro yon para sakin. most probably, i’d die of ulcer or diabetes. or better yet, malnourishment (if there is such a word)… imagine, sa inaraw-araw na ginawa ni God, laging nasa menu ko ang fastfood!!! mcdonald’s jollibee kfc… haaayyy!!

i need to get a lifestyle makeover!!! and soon! soon enough na sana e hindi pa ko nakaratay sa ospital bago ko maisip yon!!! ano kaya??? matitiis ko bang mawala ang coke sa araw-araw kong buhay??? huhuhuhu! no no no no way!!! no no no no way i’m (leaving? living?) without you!!! tapos napakahealthy ko naman kasing mamili ng pagkain di ba…. haaaay!!!!! tapos hindi pa ko nageexercise!!! 6 hours max na yung number of hours of sleep ko! so ano naman ineexpect ko sa sarili ko no? maging healthy??? with this kind of lifestyle… DON’T THINK SO!!!

i miss saturday starbucks and the stories that come along with it. wala lang… sobrang tagal ko nang hindi tumatambay sa starbucks (just reading magazines, having coffee, thinking and/or writing) nakakamiss din palang magsolo flight. hehehehe!

speaking of solo flight, nakakahiya talaga ako. jen and i watched ‘what happens in vegas’ last sunday. as usual, may i cry-cry na naman ako… napakaiyakin ko nakakahiya!!! that’s freakin’ what happens in vegas for cryin’ out loud!!!!

i miss my college friends. buti na lang nakikita ko pa rin si jobs kahit paminsan minsan. haaay! love ko talaga yon! kahit di na kami masyado naguusap naaalala nya pa rin ako. miss ko na din si blessa. sabi ko na nga ba, drawing yung tagaytay. langyang tagaytay yan! lahat na ata ng tao nagyayaya sakin na "tagaytay tayo!" neknek nyo! panay drawing!!!

reigna!!! lapit nang birthday mo!!!! at malapit na rin kayong pumasok… bakasyon pa nga lang nagttoxic-toxican ka na, pa’no pa kaya sa pasukan??? miss ko na uste!!! although i’m really glad graduate na ko hahahahha!

ayan… oras na para maligo. hahahah! baka ma-late na naman ako ng one minute!!!!! nakakaasar!!
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heads up!
jancarli

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i feel so sick i want to vomit. and it’s not even because of work. first time huh?

what happens when you lose that something that you have been waiting for for quite sometime now? it was given to you already but then, just when you thought everything was perfect, it was taken away from you. how are you supposed to feel? to have something almost at your fingertips only to be taken away yet again. it feels so unfair. soooo unfair because you can’t do anything about it. it was simply gone. and nothing can be done to have it back again. i’m heartbroken. i feel sooooo helpless. because nothing can be said to make things easier. because there is simply is nothing else to do but to accept the loss and move on. but how? how will you move on when you almost had something that you wanted for so long? how will you move on if something was taken away from you just like that? and what am i supposed to say? "it’s okay" "you will be alright" "God has a reason." what can you say to someone who lost someone? NOTHING. then you turn to God and ask Him why but He simply does not answer. what if we’re not supposed to know the reason behind all that has happened? tragic. simply tragic. it just feels so unfair how bad things happen to good people. it just feels soooo unfair.
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