About A Girl

.
marahil nagtataka ka kung bakit ko ginagawa lahat ng mga ginagawa ko para sayo — kung bakit pagkatapos ng maraming taon, eto akong bumabalik muli para pagsilbihan ka. matapos kitang kalimutan pagkatapos ng mahabang panahon mong paninilbihan di lang sakin pero para sa mga taong mahal ko. bakit ngayon nandito ako?

sasabihin ko na sayo ngayon pa lang na mahirap ang bumalik sayo. maraming nagbago sakin, hindi na ako yung batang kilala mo noon. maraming ibang bagay akong nakita, naranasan habang wala sa piling mo. na kung may saglit na panahon mang bumabalik ako sayo, ni hindi ko man lang napapansin na gaya ko, lumilipas din ang panahon para sayo. anim na taon.

anim na taon na kong nakalimot. ayaw ko na sanang magbilang pa ng ilang taon. panahon na para ikaw naman ang pagsilbihan ko.

nung una, inaamin kong natatakot ako. o marahil bunga ng katamaran, hindi ko magawang suklian ang mga kabutihan mo. unang tingin ko pa lamang sayo, hindi ko lubos maisip kung meron pa ba akong magagawa para sayo. kahit man lang para itaguyod ang dati mong kinang. ang unang dampi ng tubig sa uhaw mong katawan ay hudyat na ito ang bagong simula. unti-unti, sa bawat halik ng basahan sa iyong mga kalamnan, nabubura ang mga bakas ng taon na nagsasabing ikaw ay kinalimutan. pagkatapos ng mahabang panahon, eto ka ngayon at nagbabagong-bihis.

mahirap. mahirap para sayo at para sakin ang pagbabago mo. o marapat ko bang sabihin ang pagkinang mong muli? pero kapwa tayong nakahinga ng maluwag pagkatapos ng mga oras ng paninilbihan. wala akong ibang intensyon kundi ang magpasalamat sayo. kasama ang pangako na pagsisilbihan kita habang patuloy mo akong pinagsisilbihan pati ang mga taong mahal ko. bibigyan kita ng oras sa bawat araw na lilipas. aalagaan kita hanggang nandito ako. mamahalin kita.. gaya ng dati.

.
.
.
*June 28, 2008. wala lang. naglinis lang ng bahay si jancarli. at kinabukasan pag gising nya, inatake sya ng kasentihan at nagbunga ng post na to. he he he! morning dear void! im going to church today. and im gonna watch wanted today! im talking to joseph right now. so it is true! ha ha ha! anyway im late for church. see ya later void!

.
gusto ko mang magpost ngayong gabi, tulog na yung iba kong brain cells kaya bukas na lang.. eto na lang… enjoy this video. luma na yung song pero maganda pa rin naman.
.
moonstar88 - sulat.

.

.

isa pang vid… moonstar88 pa rin. migraine… yoooooooooo heeeeeeeee!!!!!

.

.

nytnyt dear void!

.
maligayang araw ng maynila!

hindi na ko nagtangka pang umalis para magliwaliw. parang tinatamad ata akong tumambay sa paborito kong kapihan. isa pa parang nagpaparinig ang tatay kong gwapo na gusto nya ng kaldereta. ayoko mang magluto non (sa hindi ko malamang kadahilanan) e isiniksik ko na rin sa isip ko yung ideya.

kagabi… bigla na lang akong nawalan ng malay. wala akong ibang maalala kundi yung kagagahan kong magtext sa mga taong globe tapos wala na palang epekto yung everybodytext ko sa globe. tsktsktsk! hindi man lang ako nakapaghilamos o nakapagsipilyo man lang! yak! at sigurado akong hindi ako nakapagpatay ng ilaw.

nagwala yung alarm clock ng telepono ko kanina. hindi ko rin siguro naisip kagabi na wala palang pasok.. (ano ba? lasing ba ko kagabi?) ginising ako nung ate ko pero wala din ata akong nasabing matino sa kanya. nagising na ko 6:30 na ata.

xmpre gaya ng maraming araw na wala akong pasok, nagsimula ang araw kong nakaharap ako sa computer. (at eto magtatapos din ang araw kong nagbblog pa rin ako). pagkatapos magblog, inatake ako ng katamaran. pero dahil gusto ko nga sanang maglinis ng bahay e nagpasya akong kumain na ng agahan para makapunta na ko ng palengke.

tatlong bagay lang naman ang gusto kong gawin. magluto, maglaba at maglinis ng bahay. ewan ko ba pero parang napagkakatuwaan ko atang maglinis ng bahay ngayon. di naman siguro ako naglilihi? he he he!

pagkatapos kumain ng agahan. naligo na ko at nagbihis. pumunta sa palengke para bumili ng ilalagay ko sa kaldereta. hmmm… yung isang kilong spare ribs (na hindi naman ako ang bumili hehehe) e P150. tapos yung dalawang bote ng ketsup, pickles, peanut butter, liver spread, alaska evap at sili e P93 lahat. tapos bumili pa ako ng toyo na P14 ATA. mahal!!! he he he!

pagkatapos i-marinade yung spare ribs. naglaba muna ako. nagligpit-ligpit ganon… e naghihintay lang naman ako ng coffee prince at witch youxi na tagalog. e anong oras pa lang non nung natapos akong maglaba. kaya ayun naisip kong linisin na rin yung sahig ng kusina namin. pramis! ang dumi! nakakamiss kasi naalala ko nung bata pa ako, ginagawa ko rin to. pero non kasi, keri ko pang linisin din yung sahig sa sala namin. ano ba to? sign of aging?! waaahhh!!!

salamat sa jollibee at sa kanilang bucket.. yun yung ginamit kong lalagyan ng tubig na may sabon hehehehe! at thank you sa durafresh gloves (na P50 lang ata sa watson). napaka-helpful nito! he he he he! nagppromote?!?! tska xmpre mawawala ba ang wax?! nilagyan ko na rin para naman makintab yung sahig na pinaghirapan kong paputiin! ;p

alas-sais, nagluto na ko ng kaldereta. halo dito, halo don! actually, nung kumain kami ng hapunan. mejo namiss ko nga tong ulam na to! masarap xa ngayon cguro dahil gutom lang tlga ako at pagod. hehehe!

pero alam mo ba kung anong mas nakakatanggal ng pagod? yung makita mong super makintab yung sahig. sa sobrang kintab nya nagmumukha syang bago kahit na mas matanda pa sakin yung vinyl na yon! hehehe! tska yung may magsasabing "MASARAP!" yung tunay kong kaldereta. tska yung nauubos yung kanin kasi nga masarap yung ulam. tska xmpre isang basong coke bago matulog. ;p

haay! sa ngayon, eto masakit yung braso ko. nangangalay pero buti yung kaliwa lang! cguro bukas na lang ako tatambay sa kung saan kung makakauwi ako ng maaga. at sana kung sa friday e makauwi din ako ng maaga para naman makapunta pa ko ng uste. sana hindi rin toxic c blesa tska c reigna. haayss!

haay dear void masakit na tlga yung braso ko! hilot!!!!! i better go to sleep. 6am pa ko bukas! huhuhu! i want more holidays!!! hu hu hu!!!

nytnyt dear void.. i forgot to tell you that i’m worried about jen. she hasn’t called or texted me. sabi naman ni kael e baka inactive pa rin yung roaming nya. haaay! i hope she’s okay. i really hope so. gnyt my dear void. ;p

.

.
good morning!

i just got up but i feel sooooo tired already. i don’t even remember anything about last night. he he he! except for that something stupid that i did. i sent a text message to all my friends (who are globe subscribers) thinking that i was still under their promo EVERYBODYTXT. stupid no?! because last night as i was trying to text everybody, i was actually burning my remaining credit! there goes 50 bucks. 50 bucks of nonsense. well not actually nonsense but c’mon! forwarding messages to everyone is something you do when you are under the spell of EVERYBODYTEXT. and now i’m left with 41 cents… yea, 41 cents of credit. and i don’t even know how that happened. he he he! eengot engot kase… that is the last thing i remember about last night.

last week… well the CELTICS won the championship. i haven’t been watching NBA like before (which i regret) because i didn’t get to see how the celtics were on their previous games. i don’t really like that franchise before… but that was before KG. i love him. i love his passion for the game. i mean, even in his games before when he was still with minnesota, he kept trying and trying and actually stayed in one team even through the hard times. just imagine spending 12 seasons in one team?! 12 years! he was already there when i was still in grade school! well that’s until he was traded to the celtics in 2007. and now, he won his first championship. imagine the long wait, the trying sooooo hard even if he had to carry his team alone. imagine the suffering and frustration. no wonder he broke out in tears when they finally won against the lakers last week. and in tears the big man said, "ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE."

only goes to show two things: that basketball ain’t a one-man show and that defense is the best offense.

my room smells sooooo great! i bought one of those aromatic oils and that burner.. he he he! i don’t know what it is! well i bought four items. the oil (i got doc candles’ sweetheart odor eater at robinsons for P125. you can get it at a lower price with other brands too). the candle (i bought a 10 pack peach scented candles for P39.75). the burner (there’s a lot to choose from actually, i got a black one for P49.75). and get this the platform where you can place your burner (i got it for P59.75!!! imagine that?! it costs more than the actual burner!) anyway, when you have the burner and the platform, you only have to buy the oil and some candles. you don’t really have to light the candle for a long time. you can just let it heat the oil for.. like 5 minutes and your room will smell like heaven! aaaahhhh!!! sooo refreshing! try it!

i don’t actually know if i have an eating disorder or it’s just that i can actually eat more now than before. you see, last week, i went to tokyo tokyo with auntishe. it was already past two and i was just soooo hungry! we ordered a sumo meal (you know, you can share it. it has a beef misono and a pork tonkatsu (which i totally love!) and some sauteed veges (which i love too bcos of the bean sprouts! hello, gouty arthritis!) and two glasses of red iced tea (which i found out to be most delicious when it’s really really chilled!) so there that’s the meal. but they have this promo (actually for robinson’s only) so we also got 4pcs. of california maki for free! salamat mam tek sa coupons! i don’t know why but ate she told me that i could eat all four of the maki we got. cguro hindi sya mahilig sa maki. anyway, since i was hungry, i ate two and offered the other two to her. when she declined, it was time to attack! he he he! well, i ate all four maki. when our sumo meal was served, it was like heaven! i was really really hungry. so hungry that i ate two bowls of rice, the tonkatsu and all the veges in that meal! the iced tea and get this i even had the nerve to buy jamocha almond baby z from zagu! sarap!!!! the only problem was as we were walking back to the clinic i could barely… barely walk! i had a lot of food in my stomach that you can actually mistake me for being pregnant! he he he! it was great!

i only found out that i really really eat a lot when we went to cabalen last saturday. (because my close friend jen is leaving the country and we wanted to hang out before she left). i joked telling them, "ayy! hindi ako ready!" or so i thought! before cabalen, i had one ham and cheese croissant (hmmm! sarap! i wonder what the red spice on top of the cheese and ham is! it reminds me of pizza and it really tastes good! cayenne pepper?! no?! well i don’t know!) and i had a grande dark mocha frap (ahhh i love this blend too! besides java chip, this is one of those blends i surely enjoy!) tapos yon, we went to cabalen and had one of those P90 merienda. i am not sure if i ate P90 worth of food but i was really really satisfied. SUPER BUSOG! i had spaghetti and pansit (i love love love pansit! yun nga lang hindi ako marunong magluto… ;c) and there’s lumpiang gulay (bean sprouts!!! bean sprouts!!! yummmmyyy!!!) there’s halo-halo. there’s dinuguan and puto (my first time to taste dinuguan! he he he!) there’s biko.. biko ata yun… basta kulay… amm hindi ko alam kung brown hehehehe! basta biko yon! ha ha ha ha! there! ang sarap! the trick is not to drink a lot. i didn’t have coke that day. surprise! surprise! but i still love coke!

after cabalen, we watched the incredible hulk (which was incredible!!!) i love it! i love the effects! although i’m not so sure if i like liv tyler there… hmmm. but i love it! i love edward norton! i love love love the effects! you guys should just see it for yourselves.

thinking about it now, i’m still torn if i want to watch urduja. although, i’m quite sure it’s the typical filipino movie in cartoons, still… it’s the first animated film done by filipinos and that’s something as a moviegoer that i would like to support. the thing is… i’m kind of worried… is it worth it?

cinemalaya is coming soooooonnnnn!!!! but wanted is coming… ummm sooner??!! hehehehe! wanted starring jolie, freeman and james mcavoy is on theaters on the 27th. i love morgan freeman. ahhh!! he’s just great! and i love jolie in action films.. so sexy… he he!

well… a long post is a long post. i gotta get to work. work meaning cleaning the house, cooking and washing my clothes! i am sooo addicted about keeping the house clean nowadays. i mean it’s not that squeaky clean but it’s much better than before i think. people here at the house are soooo busy nobody has the time to clean it! but i think at least i do have the time so… well! have to work! later void! good morning!

.

there is this one girl… and another girl. one girl and another girl are friends. as in! they are super close. (i think). without me knowing (i only heard the story from one girl) one girl and another girl had a fight. (five minutes in…) i can’t think of a way to explain what it was about but this i can say it was all a misunderstanding. and this misunderstanding grew bigger because of pride.

here’s the thing. one girl and another girl is close, right? both of them are my friends so i’m sort of caught in the middle here. i want them to at least talk. they haven’t been saying anything to each other lately (as in for a week now!) and i find it so weird!!! one girl talks a lot. and i mean A LOT! and her silence right now is just deafening. it’s totally not like her. and another girl is having headaches. yea, he he he! another girl’s head hurts like hell the other day. i think that’s because something is really really wrong. i mean, i can say that for myself that if something is bothering me, it really shows. and man! the headache! that is one of the symptoms i always experience. you know that feeling when you are having a fight with someone and you are constantly thinking about it? major headache!

i would like to consider it funny at times — that they are fighting. i started out small. but grew bigger and bigger. i don’t want to wait til it grows so big that things get out of control. but nothing is going to happen really if they will continue to feed the hate they feel. nothing good is going to come of it. it takes much self-respect and guts to lower one’s pride — lowering one’s pride to apologize and to forgive. what’s too big a deal that we sometimes feel we cannot say sorry or forgive? you know whenever i feel that way, i always try to remember how God forgave me. and how He saved me, no matter how undeserving i am. does it really matter who started what? we think of how others are hurting us only to hurt ourselves some more. when will it stop? why does it take so much effort when you are apologizing to a friend? i can’t understand. i simply can’t.

you maybe reading this right now. you know who you are. it’s funny sometimes how you guys make an effort to stay far from each other. it’s funny how you guys pretend that the other one does not exist. man! c’mon~ sorry is not going to kill you. it will liberate you not kill you. i hope that as you are reading this, the "thing" that happened has already been resolved. it’s really nice to see you guys in good terms with each other. i hope so… i hope it happens soon enough.

.
hey buddy,

guess i’m alright now. thank God for friends.

there was this one girl. yea, she pretty much made me cry. no biggie. i guess i needed that much confrontation huh. i did plan to just show up at our sunday meeting today and not say anything about how i am. i’m not that good an actor today. i really really felt bad about jen going away soon. i mean.. i hang out with her a lot and she’s been a close friend to me since God knows when. well, yea.. this girl. she said jen’s name and the next thing i knew i was crying my heart out. buti na lang wala akong makeup kanina. God! i looked horrible! i needed that outpouring of emotions i guess. it was such a heavy burden. well, thank God for her. should i say her name? hmmm… i’ll think about it. maybe, next time… if she manages to make me cry again.  he he!

i decided not to have coffee when i met that girl. i figured i’d be transferring to another starbucks — at festival, i love that place so much. ahhh! i just do. my sister texted me that she’s gonna watch a film too. i had my own plans.. i didn’t really feel like seeing a movie (kung fu panda) with any body else. (i wanted some time alone). but then, i replied to her text saying that the movie starts at one. anyway, to make it short, i managed to excuse myself from seeing the movie with her. they (she was with our cousin) bought tickets for the 2pm run of the film. two reasons why i didn’t want the 2pm run. one, i want to watch the movie already. it was already in my mind that i’d be going to the 1:25pm run of the film and two, 1:25pm run is at cinema gold. the 2pm run was not. he he he! arte ko no!

the film was AWESOME! hehehehe! it was funny. well short but fun to watch. it was no finding nemo. but it was awesome! watch it! i didn’t watch the incredible hulk as planned, i figured i still have to wash my clothes and i don’t have enough time if i would still watch another film. maybe next time.

so, joseph’s coming next month huh… well i guess i told you that already. jen would be outside the country by then. haaay! i guess the tears are all dried up now. wala na e! hindi na ko naiiyak… hihihi!

hmmm what else? well i got to try starbucks’ new dark mocha frappuccino! i love anything that’s a little bitter than usual. it’s just so me! bitter… dark… hehehe! kidding! i love it! i love it! it’s heaven in a cup! well, java chip is a little different. although i think dark mocha reminds me much of java chip. i love both anyway. ayan may variety na yung order ko ah! and i got to taste big chill’s green mango shake! i love green mango shake! it simply reminds me of my childhood. we used to pick out mangoes from a tree at our backyard and make mango shake out of it. well, we don’t have that tree anymore but the sour yet yummy flavor of mango shake will always have a place in my heart… and stomach!

just right now, gigi texted me. oh Lord! if she only knew how i have always loved the camera. it’s always been a great pleasure for me to be invited on a sunday morning to handle one of the cameras at ccf. it will always be my pleasure to work with such dedicated people like them and to serve the Lord this way.

oh and ate weng.. thank God for her. she handed me her ipod. that 30gig video ipod (don’t know if that’s what it is) yea, it’s one of those cool gadgets where you can store your mp3s, videos and pictures. and yea, that one which you can play with. enjoy rotating your thumb against it til you see your desired file. it’s awesome! so that’s how it feels like having an ipod. really really cool! i figured, i want to buy one. but i can live without one so i guess buying one of those will just have to be postponed til later. unless the heavens would give out ipods for christmas. that would be awesome too. and yea, she invited me to LB too. i hope to go there, anyway my baby (my toy cam fisheye2) needs a day out too.

so there, another day in the life again… and yea, on that ipod i was telling you about, i heard pastor chip ingram saying "you only have to endure for the day, and that’s what God promised." "what can you control? your attitude.." absolutely right. need i say more?

good night my dear void. i will always miss you. i guess, you will always be a part of me… and you’re part of me indefinitely… hey wait, that’s mariah’s lyrics! hahahaha! hey! i hope to learn how to cook more food. guess, that’s what i want as of the moment. what can i say? i’m a girl. i always change my mind! hahaha!

p.s there is a short film about a guy who finds himself falling for a girl that he only met at a cafe… sounds too familiar huh? i had the same concept for saturday starbucks! dam…n! thinking about it now, i never really did finish that story… maybe later. it’s on my email draft. will check up on it soon.

good night my dear void…

.
.

.
my dear void,

here it goes again. that void. that hole inside my heart. and for some reason, my heart is somewhat broken yet again. i don’t know. i can’t say i’m not happy because as a matter of fact, i really am. but then there is that gloomy feeling inside me that just simply wont go away. even in a room full of people, i still feel so alone. and i know it should not be like that. i know i have people who loves me and who cares for me. it’s just that i feel soooooo alone. maybe this is just me missing my usual saturday caffeine fix. or maybe i am just tired. of working? maybe. i have been kind of working late these days. to think that a lot of people in our workplace are filing for a leave. maybe i should do that too. i didn’t have my weekend off last week. maybe that’s why im so tired. and i’m so tired to be tired! i mean, i just want a day off.. i just want another day for myself. just for me. is that so selfish? sounds like it.. i miss the times i spend with my friends — you know the usual stuff, hanging out, telling each other stories — i miss a lot of my friends really. i want to always be there for them but then they are busy just as well. and our schedules are really complicated. it’s so hard to get the chance to see them. they are so busy. even if i have the time, they simply don’t. and i don’t want to give up on wanting to see them and making efforts to see them. but it’s kind of painful sometimes. now that i’m thinking about it, it’s really hard. it’s really painful. especially when they say they are busy. just means they don’t want to find the time for you. or maybe they are just plain busy. my clouded mind just can’t make up a reason for them right now. i finally finished watching witch youxi. it’s cute. the ending was horrible though. i wish i could meet my own wulong. maybe that’s a wishful thinking. i don’t know.

it’s so hard especially when all i can do is let out a sigh. though i know i am quite content with how things are going today. i still miss something. or someone. maybe work’s driving me a little nuts huh? maybe im just really tired. that’s what i’m always saying. i miss a lot of things. i miss a bunch of people. and i will continue missing them as i go to sleep tonight.

i can’t describe it! i feel so sad that i just want to break out in tears. do you experience that? my life is okay. i mean i should be thankful because i’m really really lucky this morning. (the lunatic driver of the first greenstar bus you saw today sped away and then a minute later another one comes with a sign board that read LAWTON — no provincial buses are allowed to go there as of the moment. then as you were standing there inside the bus, an old woman told the driver she was going to cubao. then she transferred to another bus so you got her seat. so how’s that for not being lucky! remember that?) i feel so sad but can’t find the reason for it. maybe i really need a break. a coffee break perhaps. hello hormonal surges. i hate being like this. i have to smile despite of…. [you can fill in the blanks if you want]. i’m crazy to not be happy. but ….. haaaayyy!

i should sleep my dear void. besides maybe this is really just a misunderstanding. maybe i just really miss my usual grande java chip. awww! i miss that heaven in a cup. i should sleep. dream of wulong. hahahaha! yea… well hey, btw, i talked with leo this morning. i miss hanging out with him. as in i really do. he’s just so fun to be with. besides, ang mga lakad namin hindi drawing! and joseph sent me a message. he’s gonna be here in manila next month. i think he knows kael is not here anymore. i just don’t know if he knows that jen is going away too. i’m gonna miss jen so much. that crazy girl — sabi nya wala syang pera… i can’t take her to boni high tuloy. maybe i can, but then… oh well. haay! i’m super going to miss her. i pray that she will be kept safe as she works in saudi. i haven’t heard from kael these days. hope he’s okay. oh well. blesa’s just as busy. and reigna too. i knew it, boni high on a sunday was just an illusion. drawing na lakad na naman no… haaay! i should take a rest now.

i miss you dear void. apart from my friends, you are the only one that hears me.

.
okay… okay… inaamin ko. sobrang badtrip ako kahapon. pero kanya kanyang topak lang naman yan di ba. at masaya ako kasi dito ako sa blog na’to nagspeech. kung nagmuryot ako sa harap ng ibang tao, sigurado akong may masasabi akong masama at nakakasakit.

ngayong araw na to, marami akong natutunan. una sa lahat, may dahilan para sa lahat ng bagay. hindi aksidente na mapunta ka sa isang lugar o malagay sa isang sitwasyon. gusto kong pumunta ng boni high pero napatambay ako sa tindahan namin. eto tlaga yan, ayokong pumunta sa tindahan namin kasi ayokong magbenta ng mga bagay na hindi ko alam ang presyo. pero kanina, dahil nandon naman ang nanay kong maganda, ako lang ang naghahanda nung mga binibili nung mga customer at sya ang nagppresyo. toxic talaga kanina kasi maraming bumibili ng school supplies. nung tumagal tagal na e parang nakukuha ko na yung mga paraan kung paano magasikaso ng customer. bagay na sigurado akong hindi ko matututunan kung titignan ko lang yung mga barista sa starbucks. matagal ko nang sinasabi na gusto ko ng business. pero ang business kasi, hindi lang talaga sa libro natututunan, malawakang application ng skills ang kailangang pagdaanan. dahil sa labas ng school mas natututunan ang mga mahahalagang bagay — simula na sa raket, pagaasikaso sa demanding na customers, paghahanda ng mahabang listahan ng order, pagbili ng tamang paninda, paghahanda sa mataas na demand ng produkto at higit sa lahat ang paghahanda sa "kahit-ihi-lang-wala-tlgang-pahinga" na mga araw.

kanina din, may nag-apply na sales lady. at dahil matalino ang tatay kong gwapo, binigyan nya ito ng exam. ang aplikante may kasamang miron. ang miron naman, nagtuturo ng sagot sa exam (math ang exam — addition, subtraction, multiplication at division). marahil dumudugo na rin ang utak ng aplikante, di nagtagal… sumuko na rin ito at nagpaalam na wag na lang. nagulat sigurong may mga tao palang nagpapa-exam pa kahit tindera lang naman ang kinukuha. ang natutunan kong lesson… wag agad sumuko. sabi nga ng tatay ko. matagal ko nang alam yon pero madalas kong nakakalimutan. (nakalimutan kong makakakalimutin nga pala ako).

wag agad sabihing hindi kaya. ayoko dahil hindi ko kaya. motto ko yon e. pag natatakot akong hindi ko magagawa yung isang bagay, tumutupi akong parang makahiya nagtatago sa kung saan mang sulok at nagpapakaimbisibol. natatakot akong magkamali. pero maling-mali di ba? paano naman ako matututo kung hindi ako magkakakamali. sigurado namang hindi ko makukuha lahat ng tama sa unang pagkakataon. ayos lang magkamali paminsan minsan. may sa praning din kasi ako e no… hehehe!

higit sa lahat, lubusin ang bawat minuto. masama bang maging masaya? hindi naman di ba? masama bang magenjoy? hindi rin naman di ba? hindi porke hindi mo masyadong "feel" yung gagawin mo e magmumuryot ka na lang bigla. tama ba naman yon? topakin daw ba? ayos lang naman bigyan ng chance ang mga bagay na hindi mo masyadong "feel" at enjoy-in yung bawat segundong nandun ka sa pagkakataong yon. hindi naman nakakamatay yon db?

meron pa pala. wag maging tamad. oo. wag maging tamad. walang naghihintay na magandang kinabukasan sa taong tamad kahit gaano pa sya kaswerte. (enough said).

isa pa. maging positive palagi. nakakatawa. dapat ko tong sabihin ng paulit ulit sa sarili ko. think positive. be positive. stay positive. yun lang period no erase no liquid paper.

last na. don’t give up hope. ano pang saysay ng buhay na walang pag-asa? mamatay ka na lang sana no… sana? e di ba hope din yun — in a negative way. minsan masasabi mong ayaw mo nang umasa (parang ako) pero hindi pa rin e… babalik at babalik ka pa rin sa pag-asa. ako kaya kong sabihin yun tungkol sa sarili ko. kahit gaano pa kagago para sa ibang tao ang maniwala sa happy ending. ako, umaasa pa rin ako sa happy ending. ayokong maniwala ng tuluyan sa kasamaan ng mundong to. umaasa pa rin ako na may isa na magbabago sa puso ng lahat ng tao. gaya na lang sa patuloy nyang pagbabago sa puso ko. at siguradong-sigurado ako na nakangiti sya habang sinusulat ko to. dahil alam nyang nasa puso ko sya parati kahit minsan nakakalimutan ko. hindi nya ako sinusukuan. kaya ganon din ako. im not giving up hope. i may say i am losing hope but never will totally lose it. babalik at babalik pa rin ako sa pag-asa, sa paghihintay, sa pagtitiwala.

sisikapin ko na "maging mahaba ang pasensya sa paghihintay… at magkaroon ng magandang
disposisyon at pananaw habang hinihintay ang katuparan ng mga pangako."

..
masayang masaya ako na hindi ako natuloy sa boni high street. kung hahayaan mo lang turuan ka ni Lord, marami kang malalaman. yun yung naexperience ko ngayong araw na to. kung hahayaan mo lang syang dalhin ka sa tamang lugar, marami kang mararanasan. marami kang matutulungan. marami kang magagawa. tama nga si pastor peter. wag sabihing "i can’t find the time to…" dapat ang sasabihin mo "i will not find to…" kasi ang totoo nyan, pwedeng pwede natin bigyan ng oras ang mga tao o bagay na importante sa atin. kung talagang totoong totoo yung kahalagahan nila sa atin, gagawa at gagawa tayo ng paraan para magkaroon ng oras kahit gaano kasaglit o katagal.

hindi talaga aksidente ang lahat.

.

.
iniisip ko pa kanina kung magsusulat ako o hindi. masama kasi yung timpla ko, baka kako ano pang masabi ko dito. pero what the hell, ilalabas na nga yan at baka bukas pa ko sumabog.

eto lang naman ang dahilan ng mapakla kong pagkakatimpla ngayong gabi. dahil nga sa pagdiriwang ng araw ng kalayaan bukas (june 9), nagkaroon ako ng tatlong araw na bakasyon. nung sabado, nagtangka man akong umalis ng bahay e hindi na rin ako natuloy. naisip kong maglaba na lang tska maglinis ng bahay (hindi pa sobrang malinis pero maayos naman na kahit pano). ngayon namang linggo, pagkatapos kong magsimba e pumunta ako ng palengke para bumili ng isasahog ko sa spaghetti. nagluto ako nung hapon habang nanonood ng tv tapos nung bandang alas singko na e nagmarathon na ko ng witch youxi. yung lunes, tinitira ko sana para makagala naman ako at makalanghap ng sariwang hangin, yun nga lang biglang sinabi ng tatay kong pumunta ako ng tindahan. wala naman akong choice. kaya ayan, masama ang loob ko.

gusto ko lang namang makita yung lomo wall sa boni high street. nung sabado na dapat pupunta ako, yung kasama ko nagback-out.  una, walang magbabantay sa kapatid. nung meron na at nalaman nyang sa taguig kami pupunta, ayaw na kasi malayo… wala daw xang pera. at nung niyaya ko sa mas malapit na lugar, ayaw ulit kasi tinatamad… t**ng buhay yan! kanina, may niyaya akong isa pa, hindi rin xa pwede kasi may iba na xang plano… t**ng buhay tlga yan o! pasensya na… dahil masama tlga yung loob ko. at eto pa ang pinakamalala jan, nung nagpasya naman akong magsolo-flight.. biglang sinabi nung tatay kong pumunta ako sa tindahan namin. haayyy!

ayoko nang magplano. para simpleng exhibit ng pictures lang yung gusto kong makita hindi pa matuloy-tuloy. iniisip ko tuloy na baka walang kwenta yung gusto kong makita kaya napupurnada lagi yung lakad ko.. (gusto kong magmura)

kung hindi pa ako ang magyayaya, walang nangyayari. alam nyo ba kung gaano kahirap magplano ng lakad ha? at alam nyo ba kung gaano kasakit masabihan ng busy ako, next time na lang? lecheng yan! minsan tuloy parang ayoko nang magyaya ng lakad. puro drawing. sasabihin sayo.. punta tayo dito, punta tayo jan. set ng date tapos wala nang follow-up. nakakabadtrip lang dahil ako tong tatanga-tangang laging umaasa na sana matuloy. ako naman tong si tanga na talagang nagcclear ng schedule para lang isingit yung mga drawing na lakad. kaya yan… ang resulta.. nagmumurang badtrip.

siguro nga isang araw mamamatay ako sa sama ng loob. dahil hanggang ngayon, kahit ilang beses nang nangyari, patuloy pa rin akong umaasa sa mga lakad na hindi natutuloy, sa mga taong sana bumalik, sa mga taong sana makaalala man lang at sa mga bagay na sana mangyari. sabi nila dapat maging mahaba ang pasensya sa paghihintay. dapat magkaroon ng magandang disposisyon at pananaw habang hinihintay ang katuparan ng mga pangako. pero ako, kung sa segundong to, pass muna. dahil tangina pagod na pagod na kong umasa.

… sa kung sino mang makakabasa nito, therapeutic tong blog na to kaya wag kayong magrereklamo… pasensyahan muna, naglalabas lang ng sama ng loob.. ang plastik ko naman kung buburahin ko yung mga mura… dahil sa totoo nyan naiinis tlga ako.
.
.