About A Girl

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friday na!

xmpre excited na excited naman daw ako! ewan ko lang ah, pero masarap kasi na walang pasok hahaha! (kelan ko kaya makikita yung work na tipong maeexcite ako pag maglulunes na tapos malulungkot ako pag friday na? weird!)

anyway, ngayong week na to.. well naiwan kaming mga kids sa lab kasi yung mga seniores e nasa taiwan. hmmm… they’re back from outer space though. pumasok na silang apat kanina. at meron silang mga pasalubong na deli. yun nga lang puro prutas na nilunod sa preservatives hehehe! ang weird yung isa dun parang kalamansi na preserved. sabi nila (oo sabi nila, i didn’t have the guts to try it baka isuka ko lang yung masarap na crab siomai ng ministop! elk!).. ayun sabi nila… sabi ni jet "lasang air freshener" sabi naman ni ema "hindi ko makagat… hehehe! masarap naman… kaso maamoy.. (tapos nung kinain nya na ng buo…) elk! hindi ko kaya! hehehe!" at dahil hindi nya kaya, AYOKO! buti na lang may M&Ms. hehehe!

aww… may isang kundoktor sa bbl na parang hawig nung staff ko dati.. hehe! si sir eric. mabait yun saken e. naalala ko, madalas yun yung nagtuturo sakin nung mga pagpprocess sa lab. at napaka-enthusiastic nya naman sa pagtuturo. wala akong reklamo sa kanya. ako lang to ah, sakin kasi mabait sya hahaha! tska magkasundo kami non kasi nagbabanda sya. e tas mahilig naman ako sa music. ahhh! at sya nga pala yung staff nung time na muntik na kong makapagextract sa arm na may fistula. malay ko ba kung ano yon?! hello! first in ko lang kaya! back then, it never sounded funny. but looking back, it is now! hahaha! sobrang takot ko kaya non, pero di naman ako umiyak. umiyak lang ako nung nasa elevator na kami pababa. he he he! at ang inuman session! langya XT pa naman ako nun! morning pick pagtapos maginom! hala sige! hahaha! ang pictionary sessions! at anchovy! ha ha ha! at ang mahiwagang balot! aba! nagreminisce talaga! nakakatuwa naman! he he he!

maraming nagpapasaya sakin sa bus e. marami kasing bloopers dun! gaya nung isang araw, si manong driver pumara pagkalagpas namin ng tollgate para maningil ng pamasahe! pano yung kundoktor di pa tapos! tapos pag hapon at wasted na yung mga tao, kanya-kanyang style na yan ng pagtulog! wak na nating ielaborate. makakabuo na ko ng isang post para lang dun! hahaha! kaya siguro mas pinipili kong malayo yung work kesa sa malapit. mas masaya pag malayo yung lalakbayin. kapag malapit lang, nakakatamad minsan. lalo pag ayaw mo naman dun sa work na pupuntahan mo, inangkufo!

wala pa pala akong naririnig from joseph. sabi nya punta sya dito ng 23, e anong petsa na? sana man lang magparamdam sya (kahit sa panaginip lang! chos!) at kausap ko si jen ngayon. haay! entertainer na ba tlaga ako ng mga nag-aabroad kong kabarkada! pag nagkataon, iwan ako dito sa pinas! tsktsktsk! sbagay ako naman ang dadalaw sa kanila don! yoooohooo! wayward traveller! makakapagtravel din ako. langya! ang pangarap kong eropleyn ride! haay! ni wala nga akong passport db?! asa pa ko!

ohh well… tignan na lang natin kung anong magagawa ko dis saturday! hahaha! feeling ko petix na naman ako! sarap pumetix petix!

o xa kakain muna akei. bukas ulit pag petix.

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hey bud!

time went by so fast! well… cinemalaya’s stay at the ccp had ended last sunday. i watched seven full length and five short films this year. improving! i had a lot of fun this year (just like the past two years). with that said, i would like to thank from the bottom of my heart.. jo and tita cristy. thank you so much for giving me passes! i feel sooooo blessed to be able to see a lot of films without paying a cent. (except for that time when i watched 100 and kubrador with blessa.. syempre nagbayad ako. hehe!)

anyway, we didn’t get to go to ccp last saturday. i was really really exhausted. lowbatt ang lola mo! i slept and slept and slept and slept some more then stayed up late that night.

same goes last sunday. well, i had planned to go to ccf last sunday. i was already dressed and ready to go BUT i felt so tired and lousy and ended up staying at home watching tv and listening to old 90’s hits. it was a very unproductive weekend but i feel rested and great right now!

anyway, last saturday, blessa took her friends-slash-classmates to Cinemalaya. they watched 100 (the one movie she loved and watched twice!). it was a great film. as i said, i loved how it can make you cry in one scene and make you burst out into laughter in the next. for me, it’s very inspiring in the sense that amidst being in the face of death, the main character (Joyce, played by Mylene Dizon) chose to continue spending her remaining days with a bang. i mean how many people can actually say that they have truly lived in this lifetime? how many people can actually say they took the time to enjoy the world, share joy with others and spend quality time with their family? it leads to the question… "why do people always choose to make the most of their life only when they realize they are about to lose it?" why only on that time when we are staring death in the eye do everything become clear to us? why do we have to wait until we are dead to enjoy life? most of us are busy… busy… busy! but with what?! what are we really doing here on earth? we are soooo busy working, working and working. personally, i hate to admit it but i am sometimes too busy to do _________. i am always saying i’m too busy. i don’t have time. but what if i get to that point when i really don’t have much time left? maybe it will become more clear to me what i want to do with my life. maybe i would spend my time more wisely. maybe i would give more time to my family or to my friends. maybe i would take more time to talk to a stranger or to know someone more. maybe i would take the time to enjoy a hearty meal, to go to places that i want to go to. maybe i wouldn’t be too scared… to be out there, to be held and needed, to hold and to need, to love, to lose, to hurt.. sometimes, we let opportunities pass by because we think there is still going to be a tomorrow. but we are not certain of that, are we? maybe if i had a death sentence, i would seize the day more. what i don’t realize all too often is that everyone has a death sentence. i mean we all aren’t gonna live for too long. there could only be a time for us to stay here on earth before we proceed to the afterlife. my only wish is for me to be able to do something for God even before i die… that i may fulfill His purpose for me. death is a good thing in my opinion. i think it is more like shedding your skin, being set free and finally coming home.

i am scared to live too if you are going to say you are. i am scared to be known by others and soon rejected. i have my struggles and pains too. but still, i would like to say that i am moving forward — towards that positivity that i have always longed for, towards love, towards God. it’s a long shot but i mustn’t give up. not now. not ever.

blessa texted me today saying that her subsect has been talking about cinemalaya. buzz! buzz! well i am sure glad that they enjoyed the cinemalaya experience! see you next year guys and girls! i hope a lot more people would come next year. kaya kita kits next year ulit!

i went to work today. hmmm mam tek, mam jules, eman and choi are off to Taiwan for training. swerte no?! hehehe! DAO MING SE! argh! i miss meteor garden! anyway, they’d be back on thursday (i think).

hmmm… i learned something today. i got this from lou tice and it goes something like… you should not wait for inspiration to come. you should just do it and before you know it, the energy just starts to flow. so i tried it. instead of waiting for myself to feel like cleaning the house, i went up and cleaned the house. did not wait for inspiration. i just did it. and it worked! because if i will wait for inspiration or the willingness to do something, i would likely waste a lot of time especially when what i am about to do is a boring task or a daunting job. it would take me years to finally get myself up and ready to do such things.

well, i am practicing "sleeping early." so i guess, i have to rest now. good night my dear void.

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After all the might-have-beens,
The close and distant calls
After all the
try-agains,
Don’t be afraid to fall
We’re on the side of angels after all.
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hey buddy!

kausap ko si jen. i still can’t believe she’s working abroad already. i miss her soooo much. sya lagi yung kasama ko kapag gumagala ako ng weekend. layo na kasi e. kung pwede lang sanang lumipad papunta ng saudi no. darna!

oi! birthday pala ni sir jet ngayon! nakakatawa nga yung birthday song tapos name nya e… happy birthday jet! happy birthday jet! happy birthday.. happy birthday…..!!!! happy birthday jet! hehehehe! bitin!

ahhh… first day ni amy ngayon. kasama ni ate joy sa dati nyang work. well… isa lang ang ibig sabihin non… mabubusog na naman lahat ng taga-lab hahaha!

nung isang araw, napagusapan namin habang kumakain ng hapunan yung prigider naming mas matanda pa sakin. sabi nung tatay ko, sa bill namin sa meralco, yun ang malaki kumain ng kuryente. TLGA BA?! isip isip ko naman. e bakit naman yun pa ang malakas sa kuryente e kung tutuusin luma na nga yon! sabi nya, kaya nga daw naging malakas sa kuryente kasi luma na. malaki yung makina. "e ganun ba? e di bumili tayo ng bagong ref!" sabi ko naman na parang napipitas lang sa puno ang pera. "bibili ka ng ref?" sabi nung nanay ko. "oo!" sabi ko naman na para talagang hindi ako nagiisip! hello!!!! jacy!!!! gising!!!! refrigerator po ang pinaguusapan ditei ha! hindi kitchen set na tigsisingkwenta pesos! ref!!!! prigider! killer prigider!!!

naisip ko tuloy.. bakit ba kasi sa school tinuturuan tayo ng science, ng math, ng trigo, ng calculus, ng sibika, ng pehm, ng THE… alam mo yun, mga impormasyon na sa sobrang dami minsan kinakalimutan nalang… hindi naman nagagamit. hindi ko sinasabing hindi importante ang mga bagay na to ang sakin lang bakit yung mga praktikal na dapat malaman ng isang tao hindi tinuturo sa school? dahil buhay na lang ang magtuturo sa kanila?

example, taxation. parang wala naman kaming taxation nung college. wala nga akong alam tungkol sa tax. ang alam ko lang bawat buwan na pumapasok ako sa trabaho nangunguha ng pera ang gobyerno sa pitaka ko kahit hindi ko naman sila pinapayagan. KASI NASA BATAS DAW YON. at kung gaano naman kalaki ang kinukuha nila sa pera ko, hindi ko rin alam. ilang percent ba yun ng sweldo? at ginagamit para san? mahirap ipaliwanag yang tax na yan! ang alam ko lang. pag bibili ka, may tax. nabili mo na’t lahat, may tax pa rin (ex. bahay). pag kakain ka, may tax. pag nagttrabaho ka, may tax. magipon ka, may tax pa rin. patay ka na, may tax pa rin! grabe no! lahat na lang!

tapos eto pa. sabi nila, magiincrease daw ang sweldo namin. YEHEY!!!! tapos may isa pang kwento, yung minimum, magtataas na naman ng sweldo! at eto pa, hindi na taxable ang sweldo nila. ok naman diba? malaking tulong na rin yon kung tutuusin. pero bakit ganon? ang hindi ko maintindihan, bakit sila lang ba ang kumakain ng mahal na bigas? sila lang ba ang bumibili ng mahal na krudo? sila lang ba ang apektado ng mataas na pasahe? ng mataas na bilihin sa palengke? sila lang ba? paano naman kami na kinakaltasan pa ang sweldo? e di mas maliit pa ang sasahurin namin sa kanila? kami naman ang mas gipit? dahil ano, dahil mas malaki ang sweldo namin? ang weird no? sabi nga ni ate she, "PAMBIHIRA!"

ayoko na rin isipin yang mga pagtaas ng pasahe na yan. o ang paglaki ng sweldo nila kesa sakin. ang mahalaga sakin, may pangkain ako sa araw-araw. may nagagawang kapakipakinabang. isa pa, konti lang ang gastos ko kumpara sa karamihan sa mga katrabaho ko. mas ok na ko sa ganung setup. sabi nga nila, "hindi solusyon ang maraming pera."

alam mo ba inaantok na ko. mag12:30 na pero gising pa rin ako. few hours nalang gigising ako ulit. well bukas na lang ako liligo. sleepy head na ko!

nyt!

hey bud,

kausap ko si kael. wala daw internet sa kanila nung dalawang araw. hahaha! kawawa naman! mabaliw baliw na siguro to. off nya pa naman non! he he!

limang araw akong nawala grabe! sigurado marami akong gustong ikwento non pero hindi ko na naisulat. nung sunday pala nasa kapihan ako, may kaharap na naman t&c. sobrang mahiwaga tlaga nung magazine na yon, akalain mo… ako na hindi nagbabasa, binasa yung june ish non! grabe! eto may napulot akong maganda… from Monique Villonco (Town and Country Philippines Editor).

"Others may be to blame but when the challenge to right a wrong falls on your lap or even just within your reach, take it up yourself without casting any blame. That’s someone else’s job and you don’t want it. YOU WANT TO HELP — AND THAT ALONE MAKES YOU THE BEST QUALIFIED TO DO IT. ANYONE CAN HELP. Whether you are 8 or 80, Don Jaime or Mang Tomas, if something sad comes your way think that it may be because you are likely the best person to do something about it… Eventually we come to realize that although the world may seem full of golden opportunities, it is one at hand that is meant for us. Great causes beckon, but whose small voice can you really hear if not the poor child’s in your own country or community. We must accept the place that has been picked for us, and the one sent out to touch and be touched by us. WHAT ARE WE THROWN TOGETHER FOR, IF NOT TO HELP ONE ANOTHER?"

this week… since 6am yung duty ko, twice akong na-late. e pano ba naman kasi talo ako sa MIND-OVER-MATTRESS. parati nalang nanalo yung mattress! swerte ko pa rin naman kas dalawang one-minute late lang ang meron ako. tska feeling ko di na ko masyadong worried about being late compared before (na talagang kulang na lang magwala ako sa sobrang pagkainip sa paghihintay ng bus). hindi ko pa rin kaya yung gigising ng maaga para magquiet time. pero hindi naman solid rule na umaga lang pwedeng gawin yon.. salamat na lang sa mahiwagang ipod ni ate weng at nakakapakinig ako ng mga message ni pastor chip.

niloloko ako ni choi… "dear void? nytnyt dear void?" e anong gusto nya? pangalanan kita?! para hindi na void? e anong pangalan? richard? haha! markus? kenneth? john? eric? erica? sofia? claryce? nyahahaha! bud na lang no? mas okay na yon!

nagmeet kami ni blesa ngayon. first time nya sa cinemalaya. and i am soooo happy na nagustuhan nya yung 100. grabe yung palabas na yon! pinaiyak ako! ha ha ha! kakahiya! bloodshot yung mata ko nung lumabas kami ng little theatre. sobrang nakakahiya tuloy!

busy na naman si blessa… haay! i don’t want to be busy like her. teka… i take that back. i don’t want to be super toxic like her. he he he!

nasa retreat yung ate ko. at yung isa ko pang ate nasa dorm nya. iniisip ko namang linisin yung sala namin sa taas. hindi na rin sya masaya hehehe! ang gulo na e!! pati nga ako naguguluhan na e! at may naisip akong ideya para sa kwarto ko. gusto ko nang i-frame yung mga picture na kinukuha ko. haay! siguro bukas! makakapagmall na ko ulit! WOOOOHHOOOOOO!!!

sarap cinemalaya! nood kayo ah! ganda 100. napanood ko na! nakakatawa nakakaiyak nakakabaliw nakakaengganyo nakaka-lahat na! nood kayo!

btw, sabi ni reb may one-night only concert daw ang eheads sa ccp. sa tanghalang ipil-ipil. sabi ko naman "may ganun ba don?!" parang joke no?! hehehehe! ewan ko ba!

6am ulit ako next week. buti na lang! pwede pa kaming magbonding ni Jo hahahaha! super tagal ko na syang di nakikita e! buti na lang may cinemalaya!

antok na ko… obvious ba? e parang puro one liner lang tong mga sinusulat ko. mahaba lang yung sa t&c. hehehe! nytnyt markus! dear void pala! wahahahha! praning!

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pahabol sulat.. kanina pala nung pauwi na ko pumunta ako ng bbl terminal sa buendia. nung nakarating ako dun, may bus na papaalis pa lang. wala nang upuan! nagmamadali ako! buti na lang kinausap ako nung kundoktor. "dun ka na lang mam." tapos napatingin ako sa kanya. pamilyar na pamilyar yung mukha kaya parang napatitig naman ako. (shocks! reigna!!!! di ko akalaing sasabihin ko rin to! linya mo to db? hahahah!) ang cute naman ni kuya! tinignan kong mabuti kung kamukha nya nga yung naiisip ko… hindi naman (reb! kala ko kamukha mo pramis! pero hindi pala. may goatie lang tlga tska may glasses kasi). grabe na ito! tapos after nyang maningil ng fare naglatag sya ng upuan sa tabi ko. napatingin tuloy ako sa kanya tapos nagsmile naman sya. eee! cute sya pag nagsmile! hahahaha! (ano ba jacy!!! slapslapslap gising!) dun pa sya nag-ayos tlga nung mga kaperahan at kachurvahan nya. basta may kung anong sinusulat sulat pa sya don. tapos nung paliko na kami ng jpa pinapalipat nya ko ng upuan. e kaso bababa na rin ako non kaya di na ko lumipat. sabi nya nung bumaba ako, "sa uulitin… ingat ka!" eeeeeeeee!!!…..wwwww!!! hahahaha! cute nya naman kasi! siraulo ka jacy!
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.nytnyt bud!

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it’s saturday. cinemalaya’s opening was held at the CCP yesterday. like before, i didn’t go to the opening night (nor do i have plans to go to the awards night on sunday next week). i woke up early this morning and found out that my sister is going away for a couple of days for this retreat at Tagaytay. i didn’t go — two things: it’s not included in my budget and it’s cinemalaya week.

cinemalaya started four years ago. i have been going there with Jo for three years now. i guess it has grown to be a tradition for us. that though we don’t see each other often, there is this time in the year when we meet and enjoy movies made by filipino film makers. it has always been a thrill for me to watch independent films. it is just sad that some people think that because these films are "indie," they would always fall on the "RATED" category. yes, there are indie films that include malicious scenes but not all indie films are like that. and there is this one comment on a trailer on youtube saying…

"Mababa na nga ang tingin ng mundo sa inyong mga Pilipino,GINAGATUNGAN
nyo pa!!At ang mga Pinoy Producers/directors gawa ng gawa ng mga
ganitong KLASE para MAPANOOD ng buong mundo.Tapos NAGTATAKA kyo kung
bakit kyo Di-ni-DISKRIMINA at ang BABA ng tingin ng mundo senyo.Ang
HIHINA tlaga ng mga utak nyo!! BRAVO!!"

oo, marami ngang ganitong pelikula sa industriya, pero bakit yun lang ang nakikita mo? maraming pelikula rin ang ginawa ng mga Pilipino na nanalo sa mga festival abroad na hindi kalaswaan ang tema. gumising ka nga! marami sa mga palabas na yan na sinasabi mong malaswa, nangyayari sa totoong buhay! na kahit mahirap lunukin yung ganong klase ng katotohanan, anjan na yan! nangyayari araw-araw. bakit hindi ka magpakatotoo? yang mga pelikulang yan, paraan yan para imulat ang mata ng mga taong makakapanood nito. bastos ba sa palagay mo? bakit dahil ipinagsisigawan nung mga pelikulang yon ang mga salitang kunwari hindi mo ginagamit? dahil lantarang ipinapakita yung mga bagay na sikretong ginagawa? dahil pilit nitong pinapaamoy yung bahong tinatakbuhan ng karamihan? gumising ka nga! paano mo babaguhin ang mali sa sarili mong bansa kung san tinatawag mong bobo ang mga tao kung hindi mo naman nakikita kung ano ang mali. pinipili mong tawaging bastos ang mga taong piniling maging matapang para isampal sayo yung katotohanang ayaw mong malaman ng iba. hirap sayo ipokrito ka! kung sasabihin mong, "dapat pa bang ipagsigawan sa buong mundo yung mga ganitong kabalahuraan?" sasagutin kita ng "oo." bakit sa tingin mo ba dito lang yan nangyayari? siguro nga maraming pelikulang Pilipino ang purong kabastusan lang, pero wag mong idamay lahat ng film makers na Pilipino. hindi lang ganito ang kaya nilang gawin, maghintay ka lang. wag mong isara yung isip mo sa pagiisip na ganito na lang ang kayang gawin ng mga Pilipino dahil mali ka. kung Pilipino ka, wag kang magmalinis. at kung Pilipino ka nga at sinasabi mong bobo ang mga Pilipino, pwes! bobo ka rin!

kung sa bagay, kanya-kanyang opinyon lang yan. sana magbago rin yang isip mo. tsktsk! nakakapanggigil ka e. he he he!

ayan tuloy! kainis yang nag-comment na yan! lahatin daw ba lahat ng film makers?! nakakainis. ay! affected pa rin?!

blessa and i went there today to watch 100 and kubrador.

100 is about a stern, uptight and exacting woman with terminal illness who tries to accomplish a list of 100 things to do before she dies. written and directed by chris martinez, it stars mylene dizon who plays the character of Joyce. i have always loved mylene dizon. i really think she is a great actress. eugene domingo plays Ruby, Joyce’s bestfriend. eugene is great! sobra! i love her! sobrang wow! tessie tomas plays the mother of Joyce. galing din! i love the movie. i love the pace. i love the script. i love the cast. i love how it touches the heart. i love how it can make you laugh in one scene and cry in the next. i’ve always loved the idea of dying. that though death has been a common theme, the movie is refreshing just to say the least. i love it! i love this movie! parang gusto ko na ngang bumili ng post-it at gumawa ng to do list e! hahahah!

kubrador. i don’t know. i love gina pareño but this movie just had a slower pace so i don’t know… the story was in a way confusing. yes, they gave a picture of jueteng in the Philippines and even touched some political controversies but i don’t really understand the other story there (why do they have to include in the movie the dead son of Gina Pareño’s character?) and i thought it lacked a strong ending. it was just so confusing for me. sorry, i just don’t really get it even now.

so there. i’m planning to go back there hopefully to see Jo. tradition, right?
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hi buddy,

more and more i am beginning to realize that the reason for my being soooooo masungit is my insecurity. yep! insecure ako. so much for a revelation huh?

i have a lot of issues that i have to deal with (of course, with God’s grace and guidance). there’s a lot that i do not know. there’s a lot of room for improvement in my life. and though hang-ups have been hard for me to admit (moreover, to just even recognize), i know that i can still change if i choose to. there is a reason why God has been so revealing about a lot of things. He wants me to grow. He wants me to change. it’s not easy. no… no! but it’s the kind of transformation that i am willing to take.

on friday, cinemalaya will have its opening ceremony at the CCP. the festival will be from July 11 to 20. now on its fourth year, a lot has actually changed. (for the better if i may say so). and it’s nice to know that a lot of people are actually acknowledging and supporting this yearly event. even young students (who are soooooo lucky to get a discount on tickets hehehe!) are coming over to watch the films made by the new breed. yep! the new breed. it’s quite the experience and i highly recommend it especially to those who love movies (like me!) and to those who want to support the Philippine independent film industry. masaya sya! once a year lang kaya join na rin kayo! besides, masaya maglibot sa loob ng CCP. at masarap kumain sa harbor square!

alam mo bud, mejo naguguluhan nga ako e. kasi cinemalaya week na nga starting this friday di ba… e tapos may boot camp (i don’t remember the date anymore) at may retreat sa CCF (na hindi pa ko nakakaattend ever, pero sa tagaytay kasi to kaya parang mejo gusto ko). e tapos ang dami ko pang gastos! arghhhh!!! super magastos ako!!! i hate me!!!! he he he! tapos marami pa kong gustong bilhin. must buys e payong, tooth paste, cinemalaya tickets, rubber shoes (feeling ko kasi malapit nang magresign yung sapatos ko e ha ha!) at metabotrim! bud, feeling ko super taba ko na! hu hu hu! i need to get into a weight training program! nyahahahah! hindi naman konting diet at exercise lang. admittedly, i have been eating a lot these days. wala naman akong problema. i just really have a hearty appetite! tska sirang sira na yung two bottles of coke kong diet. nakakaisang bote nga lang ako, pero yung isang bote ko… LITRO! he he he! bote pa rin naman yon e! tapos eto pa ang malupit jan! gusto kong manood ng cinderella! lea salonga yun no! i want to see her perform kahit man lang isang beses lang sa lifetime na to! haaay! ang hirap tlga magbudget! lalo pag marami kang gustong bilhin! so many gastos, so little pera!

ayun! senti mode ata yung winamp ko ngayon ah! hahahaha! bukas ko na lang pala ippost yung sked ng cinemalaya (ang haba kasi!) bukas ko na rin ikkwento yung sunday starbucks ko kasama yung june ish ng t&c. hehehe!

o xa, nytnyt! dear void. i miss blessa! nakausap ko sya pero saglit lang. sayang di ko napakita yung vid ng marimar ni moymoy hahahah! naging masaya siguro sya sayang! toxic kasi non e! badtrip pa sya. hope she sleeps well. ako nanaginip ng masama last night! haaay! super pagod tuloy ako kanina! ang weird! sana makatulog akong maayos mamaya hehehe!

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bud,

bad news. may sakit ata yung mama ni kael pati yung kapatid nya. tapos masakit din mata nya. overworked na siguro tong taong to. maghapon kasi sa pc e. pero online pa rin no… sana naman walang masamang mangyari sa family nya.

yan pa ung isa sa mga dahilan ko kung bakit ayokong umalis sa pinas hangga’t di pa naman tlagang kailangan. ayoko ng malayo sa nanay at tatay ko.

this week, God made me realized a lot of things. so many in fact that some of them i don’t know if i could even remember to write here.

i don’t remember when it started but there was this one time when a friend of mine started teasing me and this one guy — even calling us an "item." what does that even mean? my initial reaction was… "what?!" i knew it in my little head that it was a joke but in my heart there was this little girl that wants to scream and run away! i didn’t understand it at first but then as i gave it more thought, it just suddenly came to me… maybe it was a hang-up. years ago, there was that point in my life when i thought i could (for the first time) be in a relationship. it started more of as a joke than the casual dating. (hello highschool!) then it led to "courtship." not sure if that is what it was. but we ended up parting ways anyway. i felt like "the joke" being pulled by my friend might lead to another thing and my initial reaction was to run as far as possible. even if it was a joke and that there is just no way for this guy to even like me, i had this bruised little girl in me that wants to run for cover. i have this issue about being in a relationship — that though, honestly, i want to be in one — i simply do not know how to be in one. i do not know how to be "the" girlfriend. all i know is i could be a good friend. there you go… hang-up #1!

hang-up #2 is… that i need to get into an anger management program. he he he! maybe not really… but you see, i get angry easily. no… no… i don’t transform into a big green hulk but i can sense this bitterness in me. i want to hate people who i felt did me wrong to the core of my very bones. it may not show but deep inside me, a part was rotten just to say the least. and it’s wrong! and i’m struggling not to get angry. i want to do unto others that wrong which they did to me! i want to make them feel what i feel! i want to hate them! i want to hate them! but then there would be this voice! argh!!! this voice! which would say "do not repay anyone evil for evil." and then i would argue with this voice — my teeth now gritting and my eyes, misty… "but LORD!!!" and then this voice would say "if your enemy is hungry, feed him. if he is thirsty, give him something to drink… do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good." and then my eyes would just burst out in tears. "ok… ok… i get it. you don’t want me to harbor negative feelings towards others, Lord. i get it… i get it…" (though sometimes i don’t entirely get it…)

here’s a thought, all those things that i remember whenever i feel the urge to hate… i only heard those… i heard from one of pastor chip’s podcasts. (on ate weng’s ipod if i may add). the point is… it is really important for us to know the word of God. as in memorize them so that when we are in the middle of a crisis, we can hear God’s word. i’m not saying i’m an expert but if we want to experience God’s amazing power and glory working on our lives, we have to start somewhere… be it a pastor’s downloaded lecture, be it reading the Bible itself, be it hearing from other people… just somewhere… we have to start somewhere. and we have to start now.

hang-up #3. i’m stubborn. i dismiss new ideas. i don’t really think… just to say. here’s an example. jet is one of my colleagues. this week, we had a brand-new slide warmer (which i didn’t use because of a petty excuse that my short arms can’t reach it because it was positioned at the back of our biosafety cabinet). that’s how lazy i am. i never even bothered to think that "hey! i can reposition it and place it somewhere within my reach." that’s exactly what jet did. he repositioned the slide warmer so i could use it. i would like to believe that i am not stupid but no doubt i am one lazy thinker. 

i want to do so many things but i don’t want to learn. (what am i thinking?!?!) growth without learning huh? some sort of supernatural powers endowed by high heavens? i have just realized that i am just a baby forcing myself to run when i don’t even know how to walk. i need to learn. i need to experience life more. i need to get out of my comfort zone. i need a teacher — and this i found to be true… that there is a teacher in each of us. disregard degrees. you and me can learn from one another just as God teaches us through life and love. we can inspire. we can grow. we can heal. we can build up. we can mold. we can learn… if we only listen… if we only humbly admit that we don’t know anything… if we only let go and let God. i need a teacher and so do you.

if there’s any lesson this week that have liberated me, it might probably be… that we don’t have to be everything. we are made for a purpose — a purpose that we alone can fulfill… a purpose which no one else can do. we are hand-picked by God and He will use us in the most creative way possible if we only let Him. i don’t have to be everything… and that’s liberating for me! i don’t have to be "all that." i just need to be the person God wants me to be. and frankly i don’t even know my purpose but i believe that God will show it to me when the time comes. (or maybe i know it but still have not realized that i know it already… i don’t really know.) we are gifted differently because there is a specific task for each of us. diba napakaliberating non!

aahhhh! God can be sooooo revealing!

hey buddy! it’s july 6.. kanina lang july 5 lang. it’s funny how fast time flies… before i even know it… i’d be blowing my 75th birthday candle! i volunteered to handle cam3 for tomorrow’s 8am service but here i am still pressing… pressing buttons and buttons and more buttons! hahaha! i love love love this blog! so therapeutic… ahhhh! good night my dear void.
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nalulungkot ka ba? eto isang tableta ng pampaligaya! tatluhin mo pa! hehehehe!

spiceguys…

marimar…

soulja moy…

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thank you youtube.

thank you moymoy productions.
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hi buddy!

magsusulat sana ako ng nobela (mahabang post) ngayon kaso dumating si reb (buti nalang, wawa naman may lagnat!) tapos nakita ko din si jobs. anyway, ok na yung avg ni choi. salamat ulit reb!

ganito kasi yan. may antivirus naman yung pc ko yun nga lang outdated (sa madaling sabi, walang kwenta) kaya nanghingi ako ng antivir ke mr molino. binigyan nya ko ng avg. e tapos yung ca sa pc ko na outdated naman e dapat kong burahin. hindi daw (ayon sa aking research) kasi pwedeng magcoexist ang dalawang antivir sa isang pc. ngayon, kelangan ko syang burahin. ang problema ko may isang file dun na ayaw pabura! kung iuupdate ko naman sya, may bayad! so pinanggigilan ko syang burahin, add/remove program no… tapos ayaw pa rin. kaya yan sinubukan ko namang manual-in na lang ang pagbubura. tapos ayaw pa rin! may isang dll file na ayaw pabura. inisip ko naman, tatanong ko nalang ke choi pag pumasok ako sa lunes. tan tanan tan! tapos dumating naman tong si reb. e di xmpre chikachika muna kami. sya yun nagsabi saken na magsafe mode. obviously, hindi ako marunong nito pwera nalang pag kusang nagssafe mode yung pc ko.

restart >>>> f8 f8 f8 f8 f8 f8 …. tapos hanapin yung safe mode. tapos saka burahin. effective naman! heheheh! naaamaze naman ako sa mga bago kong natututunan. really goes to show that i need a teacher! see that carli. you need a teacher! kasi naman i’ve been trying to do things on my own!!! but that’s another story… hehehe! going back. after removing my ex-antivir, nagusap ulit kami ni reb. tinanong ko kung ano yung dll… dynamic link library daw. sabi nya, "In a nut shell, a dynamic link library (DLL) is a collection of small programs, which can be called upon when needed by the executable program (EXE) that is running. The DLL lets the executable communicate with a specific device such as a printer or may contain source code to do particular functions." hmmm… ano ba to? nasulat nya na sa isa sa mga artiks nya? heheheh! thank you ulit reb! i am now protected. ha ha ha ha!

it’s not really the first time that reb had helped me with computer stuff. he has given me links, tricks, mp3s, advice about how to do one thing or another with a computer, news about anything! from movies to music to chismis to what’s happening where.. from non-sense blah blahs to all the things that matter to us… and it is quite the confession to say that i have only seen him in person once but his presence in my life is felt. and i could only be grateful to God that He had blessed me with reb. that amidst all the jerks and scum bags lurking on cyberspace, i found someone that i can really communicate with. and it can’t get any real than that. so thank you! maraming maraming maraming salamat reb! sabi ko nga, ano na lang ang gagawin ko kung wala ka. he he he he!

… bud, mya na ko mgsulat ng mahaba. anyway, i could say na may nagawa na ko ngayong umaga. may antivir na ko!!! ha ha ha ha!

thank you sir choi.

thank you reb.

jobs! namimiss na kita (ulit!) hahahaha!

later dear void….