About A Girl

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hi bud,

im sick! can you believe that?! just to be fair, i got sick after a looong while now. the weather here is really really terrible. anyway, im late. there are lots to talk about but i really really have to go. anyway. let me just say that yesterday i found myself in my favorite hang-out place (when i was still a kid). surprisingly, i still like it there. it was still amazing, not like before though. there was just something about that place that takes you out from the city to some cosmic imaginary world. well there. besides, it’s a much cheaper place than starbucks!

j.

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ahhhhhhh!!!! it’s been a while. missed me? he he!

i wanted so much to tell you about my day. it’s just that i’m sooooo tired! i have been trying to include an hour of exercise in my daily routine. so far, so good. i guess i’m feeling more alive today than before. i don’t know if it’s just me or the endorphine rush. basta i feel great! i may not have that great body i have been wanting to have but at least i can say that i feel better compared before. ;p

sir eman passed the AMT exam yesterday. congratulations! hanep! paalis na talaga silang lahat. hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit wala akong kaeffort-effort na umalis. siguro hindi pa ko ready. he he he! but if you are going to ask me to go to a vacation, i’d be more than happy to pack my bags and leave on a jet plane!

hmmm, kasama ko si lucy at ryan sa starbucks kanina. (speaking of starbucks, nakita ko si lance kanina. tagal ko na syang di nakita! at pumapayat ang lolo mo! hmmm bakit kaya?!?!) si ryan, kakabalik lang from… ahem ahem… italy! bon giorno! he he he! ano bang sinasabi ko! anyway, eight months ago, nagtext sya sakin na paalis na sya. magbabarko. si ryan, isa sa konting matinong lalaking kakilala ko. astig tong taong to kasi kahit kung san sang lupalop na sya ng daigdig nagpunta. ganun pa rin sya. wala lang… parang walang nangyari. ang dami nyang pictures! God! i’d love to see where he’s been. sarap sigurong magcruise.. ahh ehhh yun e kung pasahero ka! kung crew ka, good luck! sabi nga ni ryan, "ok din na experience, masaya… PERO HINDI RIN!" siguro kung pasahero kami, ayos yun tlga! pero kung magbubuhat ka ng sangkatutak na tray at plato, ewan ko lang!

sarap ng kape ry! sa uulitin!

may pasok pa bukas kaya eto good night na ulit. i missed you my dear void! next tym na yung mahabang kwento

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huwebes non. huwebes ng umaga nung papasok pa lang ako sa trabaho. may nakita akong isang batang lalaking nakauniform at may dalang backpack. tumatakbo sya habang umiiyak. sinubukan nyang tumawid sa kabilang kalye pero hinablot syang bigla ng isang babae. siguro nanay nya yon. umiyak sya ng malakas. pinalo sya ng babae. umiyak lalo sya. pinalo ulit sya nung babae. sabi nya "ayoko na." tapos sinampal sya nung babae. nasa gitna kami ng kalsada nung mga panahong yon. ako. yung bata. yung babaeng walanghiya. at isa pang lalaki. naghihintay kaming tumigil yung mga sasakyan para makatawid.

habang naghihintay. puros palo ang inabot nung bata dun sa babae. bakit kaya? nakapatay ba ng tao yung bata para gawin nya yon? gusto kong murahin yung babae pero hindi ko magawa. gusto ko syang pigilan pero hindi ko nagawa. natakot ako sa kanya. pero nagagalit din ako sa kanya. naaawa ako dun sa bata. gusto kong barilin yung babae. gusto ko syang sampal-sampaling hanggang sa dumugo yung mga pisngi nya. hanggang sa matanggal yung balat nya. hanggang sa hindi na sya makilala ng tuluyan.  gago sya! anong karapatan nyang manakit ng ganon? dahil may nanakit din sa kanya dati? dapat sa mga taong katulad nya. binibitin sa kung saan maraming tao ang makakakita. tanggalin yung mga kuko tapos ibabad sa suka. i-pluck lahat ng buhok sa katawan tapos buhusan ng tubig. tanggalan lahat ng ngipin tapos hayaang magdugo yung bibig. nakakabwisit sya. kung sinong walang laban, yun yung pinapatulan nya. tapos nagtataka ang maraming tao kung bakit hindi umuunlad ang Pilipinas?

naaalala ko dati nung bata pa ako. sinali ako nung titser ko sa pilipino sa isang extemporaneous speech. hindi ko pa nga alam non kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng extemporaneous. ang sabi nya lang, gawin ko lang lahat ng makakaya ko. hindi na malinaw sakin kung ano yung tanong nila. basta natatandaan kong sinabi ko na kailangan din naming mga bata ng magandang ehemplo galing sa matatanda. at tandang-tanda ko ang gulat sa mukha ng isa sa mga hurado nung mga panahong yon. bakit? sa isip-isip ko. at bakit ganon na lang ang pagtataka nya? paano bang natututo ang mga bata? di ba sa panggagaya? kung wala na silang kalalakhang matinong pamilya, anong mangyayari sa kanila? nakakatakot kung pagiisipan kung magiging sino ang mga batang kulang na lang patayin ng mga walang-kwenta nilang mga magulang. ako maswerte ako. dahil pinalaki ako sa hindi marangyang bahay pero sa maayos na paraan. pero paano naman sila? silang mga bata pa lang. yung mga hindi makalaban para sa sarili nila. paano naman sila? hanggang dito na lang ba yon..?
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haay… things have been so weird for me lately. (talking as if things about me are not really weird..) i mean, it just feels different somehow. and you know how people say that you are not the same person today as you were yesterday? and that that statement is a natural order in our lives? i don’t know but i kinda don’t like the person i am today. i’m not making sense! naku!! but i swear i had a point in mind.

haay i’m gonna be okay. everything’s gonna turn out alright. ayyy… so much for blah-blahs.. since i’m not making any sense in this post. let’s just let it be what it is… a nonsense post. he he he!

i watched the butterfly effect today. it’s sooo nice! not just because ashton is cute! he he! i liked the story. kasi paikot ikot! pabalik-balik. magulo! parang utak ko! i’m gonna let you into a secret.. until now, pinagiisipan ko pa rin na mag-aral ulit. ewan ko ba? com.sci? com.eng’g? i guess it’s my comfort zone. computers. oo wala naman akong masyadong alam about computers. but there is something about them that makes me feel that whatever bullsh*t i pull, everything will still be okay. that even if i commit mistakes, i’d still be willing to redo or undo things. i’d still go back no matter what happens. that i’m willing to commit the mistakes and learn from them. if only no? if only i was a different person. if only i had a different career. i would have been one of the best (if not the best) programmer the new world is ever going to know. nyahahahah! IN YOUR DREAMS JC!

well.. that’s like the impossible dream. impossible but i still want to hold onto it. kind of stupid for me to do but what the heck… i guess when you have a heart for something, nothing is ever stupid.

it’s another monday that has come to pass. you know what i realized? i was wrong to say "i don’t have the time." i have all the time in the world… believe me! it’s just me who’s letting my fears hold me back. i always say that i don’t have time to do something when in fact, i have the time but refuses to acknowledge it or put it to good use. i want to do something but i am hesitant to do it. and i am not talking about a specific thing here. this is my reaction in general. it’s as if i have to argue with myself, weighing pros and cons, just to see if something is worth trying. you see, im not much of a risk-taker. i especially hate committing mistakes. and it is everyday that God makes me realize that mistakes are there to be corrected and learned from. it’s not really healthy to simply have all the best things in life. sometimes we all have to go through the rough roads to build character. and i guess God’s telling me that that’s more important.

you know what? i never really expected this to be a long post. kalat-kalat man. may mga point din naman minsan diba? at since maaga akong papasok bukas, matutulog na ko, with fingers crossed na sana hindi ako ma-late. get this… it’s just the eleventh day of the month and i have been late four times already! so much for being a good employee!

i guess this is good night… mwwwah!

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you know how people say that august 8, 2008 is a lucky day? well i say they’re nuts!

i woke up this morning because of a scene in a bad dream that i just had to get out of. i don’t actually remember how it was. i just remember that it was a bad dream and a bad start of a day at that.

and because it was too early (according to my biological clock which happened to strictly follow "the" Filipino time), i decided to bum around for a bit. i listened to an audio file while browsing a magazine (which was a very bad idea to begin with!). i ate breakfast, took a bath, got prepped and dressed. i went out of the house in time but unluckily got on a bus to manila around 7am.

let’s just cut the story short. i was LATE! i was late again! august has just begun and i have been late thrice already! blame the bus for leaving the terminal so late! blame the traffic! blame the LRT for staying at each station a little longer than usual! blame everything else! i hate to say this but i am responsible for what happened. i mean i know how the traffic situation is in manila but still i didn’t leave the house earlier than usual.

i decided not to be hard on myself about being late. instead i said, "next time, i’ll do it differently." well i hope so!

another bad experience i had was when i was doing the culture for today’s specimens. well, my hands were a little shaky and i just can’t work properly. i just sucked it up and tried to be as professional as humanly possible. it kind of worked but it was quite hard considering that my left hand did hurt a bit.

anyway, i wanted the day to be over already. well… clearly it wasn’t over for me. there was a news this afternoon that a patient who was supposed to do a repeat collection of specimen was not given instructions for the repeat collection. i was dearly praying to God hoping that i was not involved in this whole fuss but then guess who the receptionist was at that time! yeah yeah… it was me. so i was responsible for this whole mistake. it was my responsibility to get the patient’s folder and attach a note to it or something. but i didn’t do it! and i just can’t figure out why! oh why! it was such a terrible mistake to commit! i mean we are talking time here. it’s not as if i could pay them for their lost time! i feel so horrible i want
to vomit. i know i am in deep sh*t. i just really pray that it wouldn’t be so big of a deal. (as in "YOU’RE FIRED!"-kind of a deal! oh no! hala!)

that whole incident sparked a thought. am i ready to get fired? i mean, would it be okay if i would get fired today? if i were to answer that question, i’d say no. i am not ready to get fired. i am not ready to hear those very words. and i am not ready to say "i quit!" either.

the work i have so far could most probably be the best offer a medical technologist could have (at least here in the Philippines). the schedule is great. you get to work five days a week and have the weekend off. the task is lighter than usual. i mean, there are days when the lab is quite chaotic but i would much rather work in a clinic than in a hospital. we even get the privilege to enjoy the holidays unlike in hospitals (where there are literally no holidays.) the people i work with now are great too. the pay is higher than usual. i mean what more could i even ask for?

why do people go to work anyway? to earn more money or to practice what they have learned in college? why do we need money anyway? to buy a big house, a nice car, stylish clothes? argh! i guess i am sleepy to even talk about this. it’s sooo tiring to just think that this is all life is for me right now. i mean, just to be honest, i wake up in the morning, do my routine, go to work, go home, sleep and do the same effin’ routine the following morning. i mean that’s it! please please please! somebody tell me… there’s got to be more to life than just this!

the horrible day has come to an end. it’s effects on the future still lie ahead. this too shall pass, my conscience pleads. this too shall pass. and i hope soon enough.

with all that said, i’m going to end this supposed rant post with a list of lessons i have learned. first, buy an alarm clock! wake up early and make time to fix the bed in the morning. second, be responsible for the mistakes you have committed. third, work with passion, diligence and integrity! please please please work as if you love what you are doing! take time to check the little details of your work. fourth, keep in mind that whatever happens… as long as God is with you… you are going to be alright. lastly, live to tell. live and tell.

thank God for three things… a cute stranger, a good friend and a heavenly cup of java chip frappuccino! it simply drives bad spirits away! he he he! i know in my heart that i am not completely fine. i mean the issues have not been settled yet. but then i would much like to cling to that hope of tomorrow. and that maybe i will wake up on that day to live with "everything’s gonna be alright." and so life goes on…
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thank you God. i am still alive. i really really do pray that this fuss will be over soon. have mercy please!

thank you thank you ate she. for unknowingly being my guide in life in general. for being so generous in giving advice. for being you.

thank you God for Starbucks.
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it’s thursday… again!

wala na kong nagagawa after ng duty ko! feeling ko boarder na lang ako sa bahay. well kahit naman noon he he he! yun nga lang ngayon, as in! pag dating ko ng bahay, mga 8pm, tulog agad! hindi na ko nakakakain ng dinner! tapos eto ang malupit jan nagigising ako after six hours! tapos kakain ako.. tapos pipilitin kong matulog ulit kasi ayoko ng nagttrabaho ng inaantok!!! arghhhh! ayoko tlga ng 8am na duty!!!!
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.late na ko! hahahah! good morning! ;p

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august 2, 2008. saturday.

august two. august two na! time flies soooo fast! soon it’s christmas! he he he! i love christmas time! you see, december is the time when we have the least number of days at work. along with the fact that it is during december that i receive a lot of bonuses! oooohh and presents too! besides, during christmas time, it’s like everyone is given THE chance to be nice to anyone! so let there be peace on earth! ha ha ha!

joseph called me the other day. so he’s really here in manila. and we’re going to have dinner next week. (sayang wala si jen. kulang na yung barkada). anyway, it’s good to hear from him again. it’s been a long while.

last thursday. even if it was raining so hard, ate weng still managed to meet me at RP. it’s been a month since we last saw each other and her ipod is practically living with me. so there. we met. and since starbucks is jam-packed (like how all coffee houses are), we decided to go to a pastry shop instead. it’s my first time to eat at Sucree. I have been meaning to go there but always ends up just looking at their menu. i had a hearty blueberry cheesecake (which was served in a plate with an intricate artwork of melted chocolate! ang ganda!) and a cup of cappuccino.

well, we talked about a lot of things — from how the past month has been for both of us to the business she has right now (might i say, the one that i have been "TRYING" to work on)… hmm what else? our budget, movies… life in general. she attended a boot camp two weeks ago. it was fun she said — very inspiring for the people in the business. anyway, as we were talking, i took her ipod out of my bag and said that i would return it already. HELLO! it’s been with me for a month now! i was already thinking of buying one (but then it’s an ipod — it’s expensive to say the least and God knows i have been spending beyond budget this past month so i decided not to buy). i only asked her for how much did she get hers. she said, "12." so i have to save for that too. then her friend called — asking if she knew anyone interested in buying an ipod. i was. i mean, yes it’s an ipod. yes, it does not have a radio feature. yes, it’s only 30 gig in memory. but then it was actually a good buy for me for the very reason that i find listening easier than reading. this is just me we’re talking about. it’s more like a preference. so as other people prefer to read books, i choose to listen to them (thank God for audiobooks!). besides, i can put music and movies in it!

that same thursday, by the time we decided to go home, the terminal was packed with people! it was soooo hard to get a ride home! and they said that it was traffic. AND SO IT WAS! we stood for two hours inside the bus clinging to metal bars and repositioning ourselves from time to time. it was overwhelming! i mean it’s okay to be stuck in traffic if you have a seat. you can sleep or listen to music or watch what’s on tv. you are relaxed. (but if you are standing like how it has been for us, you are basically screwed.)

well, yesterday (friday). i got home a little late. i even saw my parents as they were driving back to the house. my dad gave me a ride too. i was soooo tired that i just went straight to bed. no night regimen. no brushing. no changing of clothes. i think i even got my socks on. that’s how tired i was! i just went straight to bed and puff! comatose!

today. i had just watched the mummy. i think it’s the third installment for that franchise. it was good. but i think i like the first one. and i really really loved Rachel Weisz playing Evelyn. i don’t know. it felt weird replacing Rachel Weisz. i mean it’s not that Maria Bello is a bad actress but then Rachel Weisz did a really good job on Evelyn Carnahan that she almost is irreplaceable. i don’t know. it was weird for me.
who else? well.. i have always loved brendan fraser. i also like michelle yeoh. i think she’s very elegant (even in fight scenes). i really find her a woman of beauty and strength. i mean who wouldn’t want to be like that? going back to the movie, i had this weird feeling about the fight scene involving jet li and michelle yeoh. it was short and i don’t know it was weird. could they not make it more interesting? i mean this is michelle yeoh and jet li we are talking about! there could have been more than just that. anyway, a movie is a movie. watch it if you want.

right now, i’m listening to andre rieu’s moonriver. God! i want to cry! he he he!

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